My Life with Aphantasia, SDAM, and ADHD

Introduction: A Lifetime of Unrecognized Differences

It wasn't until I turned fifty that I discovered something fundamentally unique about how my mind operates. For my entire life, I assumed everyone else experienced the world internally exactly as I did—without images, struggling to recall vivid details from past experiences, and battling constant distraction. This was my complete normal. Little did I know, I was living with aphantasia, SDAM (Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory), and adult ADHD.

The Moment of Discovery: Space Force and the Revelation

The night I discovered the term "aphantasia," I was casually watching Netflix's Space Force, Season 1, Episode 7. One brief comedic reference in the show changed everything. The character Duncan Tabner, a charming southern Space Force base guard, casually mentioned his inability to visualize. Intrigued, I paused the episode and started Googling furiously. This was a profound revelation: it explained why phrases like "picture this" or "visualize your success" had always seemed purely metaphorical to me. I'd wondered why people claimed they could "fall into" novels, experiencing vivid immersion—it never dawned on me they were describing an actual visual phenomenon rather than poetic language.

What is Aphantasia?

Aphantasia, from the Greek "a-" (without) and "phantasia" (imagination), describes a cognitive condition characterized by the inability to voluntarily conjure visual imagery. Historically, Sir Francis Galton first described this phenomenon in 1880, but it remained largely unnoticed until neurologist Dr. Adam Zeman revitalized interest in 2015 at the University of Exeter. His research validated experiences like mine, providing scientific acknowledgment for thousands previously living in internal darkness.

When I close my eyes, I see nothing but blackness. The guided meditations that suggest visualizing apples or orbs never worked for me—I always assumed these instructions were figurative. Friends described vividly picturing objects, events, or even counting sheep as literal experiences, which shocked me deeply. One friend, Mark, can even visualize and manipulate a Porsche 911 Targa in his mind, rotating and scaling it like virtual reality. Until I learned about aphantasia, I assumed he was exaggerating or speaking metaphorically. Now I realize people truly have internal visualization capabilities ranging from mild images to hyper-realistic virtual reality experiences.

SDAM: A Related but Distinct Condition

My exploration of aphantasia also led me to uncover SDAM, another cognitive phenomenon profoundly affecting personal memory. First described in Canada around 2015, SDAM characterizes individuals who cannot vividly recall personal events. While others' memories unfold like immersive movies full of sensory details, my memories are brief, text-based summaries. Despite having an IQ in the deep 130s, I often struggled with details others seemed effortlessly able to recall. Understanding SDAM provided insight into my lifelong challenges with memory, highlighting why recalling personal experiences was always difficult.

Navigating Life with Adult ADHD

Adding complexity to my internal experience, I've also been diagnosed with adult ADHD. My mind constantly seeks novelty and stimulation, easily jumping from one interest to another. Simple, routine tasks quickly become neglected due to distractions, and my thoughts race rapidly, making sustained focus elusive. Understanding ADHD illuminated why someone intellectually curious and highly intelligent could still find basic tasks daunting or inefficient. The intersections between ADHD, aphantasia, and SDAM clarified why my internal landscape felt both richly complex and oddly disconnected from typical societal expectations.

Real-World Implications and Personal Experiences

Throughout my life, I've heavily relied on external references and meticulous note-taking. While friends effortlessly recalled visual memories during exams, describing pages from textbooks as if they had internal photographs, I had to rely on extensive written notes and lists. This explained my bewilderment at how peers managed academic tasks with seemingly less effort. I assumed their descriptions were hyperbole, never realizing they were literally accessing mental visualizations.

My inability to mentally visualize even extends to personal memories. For instance, I cannot recall vivid mental images of my parents' faces without external photographs. My memories exist solely as narrative descriptions, lacking visual or sensory richness. My friend Mark can mentally visualize intricate details of a Porsche 911 Targa, resizing and manipulating the image effortlessly, a skill that I once thought impossible or exaggerated. Now I recognize that such vivid visualization is real for many people, even though completely inaccessible to me.

My cognitive differences also shaped my interactions with hobbies and interests. My enthusiasm often manifests as intense "deep-dives" into spec sheets, technical details, and community cultures, from motorcycles to firearms. However, without visual imagery, I never fully feel integrated—I always feel somewhat like an outsider, constantly dependent on external validation and reminders of belonging.

Remediation, Adaptation, and Acceptance

While there's no known cure for aphantasia or SDAM, acceptance and adaptive strategies are essential. Understanding my cognitive conditions has allowed me to embrace strengths in verbal communication, logic, analytical reasoning, and conceptual creativity. Extensive use of note-taking, lists, digital reminders, and external memory aids has been crucial. Technology—especially AI language models like ChatGPT, which align naturally with my text-based cognition—has become a powerful ally, helping me navigate my professional and personal life effectively.

Popular Understanding and Cultural Awareness

Public awareness of aphantasia and SDAM remains relatively new but is growing, partly due to media portrayals, online communities, and personal stories like mine. Popular references, such as those in "Space Force," help validate and educate broader audiences. This growing recognition contributes positively to societal acceptance, challenging traditional assumptions about intelligence, creativity, and imagination.

Today, scientists acknowledge these cognitive variations not as impairments but as valid differences in human cognition. Increasing discussions around these conditions reduces stigma and promotes understanding across educational, professional, and social contexts.

Conclusion: Celebrating Cognitive Diversity

Discovering my cognitive uniqueness—marked by aphantasia, SDAM, and ADHD—has been transformative. Instead of viewing my cognitive characteristics as deficits, I now embrace them as intrinsic parts of my identity, influencing how I perceive and interact with the world. By openly sharing my experiences, I hope to foster broader appreciation for cognitive diversity, encouraging recognition of the complex and beautiful spectrum of human thought. Celebrating my invisible mind empowers me to advocate passionately for cognitive diversity, highlighting the profound beauty and complexity of the human experience.

Comprehensive FAQ about Aphantasia, SDAM, and ADHD

Q: What is Aphantasia?
A: Aphantasia is a cognitive condition characterized by an individual's inability to voluntarily create visual images in their mind. People with aphantasia, known as "aphants," typically cannot visualize even familiar objects, faces, or places.

Q: How did Chris Abraham discover he had aphantasia?
A: Chris discovered he had aphantasia at age 50, while watching Netflix’s Space Force Season 1, Episode 7. A brief reference by a character about the condition prompted him to research and ultimately realize his lifelong inability to visualize wasn't universal.

Q: What is SDAM (Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory)?
A: SDAM describes a condition where individuals cannot vividly recall autobiographical memories. Instead of sensory-rich, emotional memories, people with SDAM remember life experiences as factual narratives or summarized bullet points.

Q: How common is Aphantasia?
A: Current research suggests aphantasia affects approximately 2-4% of the population. The condition exists on a spectrum, with some individuals having partial visualization abilities and others having none at all.

Q: What is the opposite of Aphantasia?
A: The opposite condition is hyperphantasia, where individuals experience extraordinarily vivid, lifelike visualizations—akin to active hallucinations or detailed virtual realities.

Q: Can people with aphantasia dream visually?
A: Yes, people with aphantasia often have vivid dreams despite lacking waking visualization. This paradox remains an active area of research, suggesting that dreaming might involve different cognitive mechanisms.

Q: How does ADHD relate to aphantasia and SDAM?
A: Adult ADHD often adds complexity to cognitive processing by causing attention deficits, impulsivity, and difficulties sustaining focus. It can further complicate memory retrieval and organization, especially when combined with aphantasia and SDAM.

Q: How common are these conditions?
A: Aphantasia affects about 2-4% of the population, SDAM is still being studied but thought to be similarly rare, and ADHD affects approximately 4-5% of adults globally.

Q: How did discovering these conditions change your self-perception?
A: Learning about these conditions shifted my self-perception from inadequacy and confusion to self-awareness and acceptance. Understanding my unique cognitive profile allowed me to embrace my strengths in logical reasoning, verbal skills, and conceptual thinking.

Q: Are there treatments or cures for aphantasia or SDAM?
A: There are no known treatments or cures. However, awareness, acceptance, and adaptive strategies—like external memory aids, detailed notes, and leveraging verbal strengths—are helpful.

Q: How do you compensate for the lack of visual memory?
A: I rely heavily on detailed written notes, extensive textual references, external visual aids like photographs, meticulous organization, and verbal or conceptual descriptions to build understanding and retain information.

Q: Why isn't aphantasia more widely known?
A: Aphantasia was largely overlooked until 2015, when neurologist Dr. Adam Zeman brought it renewed attention. Since then, awareness has steadily increased through personal testimonials, online communities, and media portrayals.

Glossary of Key Terms

• Aphantasia: A condition defined by the inability to voluntarily produce visual mental imagery.

• Phantasia: The general human capacity to generate mental imagery or visualization.

• Hyperphantasia: The extreme opposite of aphantasia, characterized by exceptionally vivid and detailed mental imagery.

• SDAM (Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory): A cognitive condition marked by difficulty recalling detailed, vivid autobiographical memories.

• Mind's Eye: A term describing the internal visualization process, which aphants lack.

• Visualization: Creating mental images or scenes without direct external input, used extensively in memory, creativity, and planning by most people.

• Spectrum: Refers to the varying degrees of visualization capability, ranging from aphantasia (no visualization) to hyperphantasia (extremely vivid visualization).

• Adult ADHD: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder in adults, characterized by persistent patterns of inattention, impulsivity, and difficulty sustaining focus and organizing thoughts.

• Eidetic Memory: Often called "photographic memory," a rare condition where individuals can recall visual information with high precision after only brief exposure.

• Hyperphantasia: The opposite of aphantasia, characterized by vivid, detailed internal visual experiences, often comparable to hallucinations or augmented reality experiences.

• SDAM (Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory): Difficulty recalling personal life events vividly; memories are factual rather than sensory or emotional.

• Memory Aids: External systems like notes, lists, digital apps, and reminders used to compensate for cognitive differences like SDAM and ADHD.

• Adaptive Strategies: Techniques developed to navigate life effectively despite cognitive differences, such as note-taking, using calendars, and relying heavily on external visual and informational references.

• ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder): A neurological condition characterized by persistent inattention, distractibility, hyperactivity, and impulsivity, affecting organization and memory.

• Cognitive Diversity: The recognition that human minds process information differently, with conditions like aphantasia, SDAM, and ADHD representing variations rather than deficiencies.