Earlier this week, I guest lectured on digital PR at the American University and reported on the experience, Public Relations and Communications’ Future is Bright!. I said that I would not write anything nice unless someone sent me a thoughtful email from the class.

Well, I received two nice notes, one from Juliana Serafini (who promises to email me again next week) and one from Kari Elam, who had a lot of great question.  I will not expose her questions, but the long story short is that Kari is writing for music, culture, arts, and society blogs and wonders if that it good enough as a way of writing herself into a smashing agency job in PR and I told her that while it couldn’t hurt, it is also essential for her to go a little further.

Well, here is the ‘sage’ advice I give to Kari:  Kari, what you’re doing for your current blogs is more editorial writing.  While editorial and column-writing might very well help you with a publishing career in the future — and doesn’t hurt your portfolio — I must underscore the fact that while blogging about music — being a blogger — is super-important when it comes to being a respected part of the community — the “who the hell are you?” factor, there is another more important blogging strategy to pursue if you want to end up in a top-ten national PR firm.

What you need to do, in addition to blogging is “meta blogging,” — blogging about social media, about digital PR, about public relations, about advertising, etc…  It is really important to make sure you’re always taking a step back and think not only about the what of social media but also about the why and how.

What this could look like is a blog about your studies of PR at AU and what you’re learning and how it contrasts with what you’re learning at your PR Internship. If you’re interested in music, society, the arts, and culture, explore it in the context of the Internet, of online branding, ads, Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, and even television and radio.  How do you see what you’re learning about traditional PR dovetailing into social media marketing and digital PR?  Can you see a continuum?  Can you maybe help the fogies of traditional PR find their way to digital PR?  If you can light the path and maybe even map the way, you’re golden.  Move to NYC and start shopping for apartments, you’ll be on Madison Avenue in no time.

However, don’t forget the basics. As a PR consultant, you will be required to know how to not simply consume content (read blogs), not only produce content (blog), but analyze and understand how to conversation works, how best to leverage and participate in conversation, and also how best to manage conversation and manage reputation.  Being a PR professional is about knowing how things work behind the curtain. And, since you are young and “cyber,” people assume that you have a valuable and important insight into the future.

PR firms are beginning to realize that “all kids get the Internet” may be true, but not in the way they thought — that “kids” get the Internet with only the level of sophistication that people from 35-50 get television — as a source of entertainment and information.

So, it is your job to publicly and prove, on a daily basis, on a blog, that you get what’s going on, that you’re current with the movers and shakers, that you have a passion for that space, and also that you will be able to prevent the future from blindsiding your PR VP and your client by keeping on top of technology, social media, new PR, and new and important channels through which you need to use to promote and protect your clients.

Your music blogging and your trend blogging and your other blogging means that you can now think like a blogger and that you’re accepted into the blogosphere — which is an important first step.  The second step is proving you can strategically and even tactically make the Internet work for your clients and your agency.

Not to insult us marketing, advertising, and PR bloggers and blogs but there is a lot of room in the Power 150 for more voices, that’s for sure.  If you start today, you may very well shoot up the list. A new voice is always welcome. Also, don’t be intimidated by what this sort of blogging means.  You don’t have to act out of your focus.  Take what you already love and then just spend some time getting meta on it — spend some time playing.  Spend some time taking the articles you’re writing elsewhere and slice them and dice them a little academically.  Do things like create your own case studies and give away the sort of campaigns you might recommend yourself.  Feel free to critique or compliment campaigns and brands and firms and agencies — especially the ones you’d like to work with.

I swear to God, you can write yourself into this business.  You can write yourself into a very fine career as a PR professional. You’re good as gold if you can prove that you’re both someone who has been trained in traditional PR and who gets digital PR; that you’re someone who gets both theoretical social media as well as practical social media.

And, good luck to you, Kari!

When I realized that I could download the OPML file from the Power 150 site and then hack it around into a contact list of over 900 of the top advertising, marketing, PR, and SEO bloggers on the planet, I did so.

Ever since, I have been scheduling calls with all of the folks I have been admiring on a daily basis. Two days ago I spent an hour on the horn with Lee Hopkins, “one of Australia’s leading thinkers on communication strategy in an online environment,” who is, in fact, one of the World’s leading thinkers on communication strategy in an online environment.  We had a great chat — and amazing talk!

At the end, Lee asked me if he could blog the conversation and I jumped at the opportunity and late last night Lee published Is email marketing still relevant in a 2.0 world? which is not only the most complete description of what we at Abraham Harrison LLC do on a daily basis but it is said in a better, more comprehensive, way than I could even conceive of doing myself.  Here it is, in full.  Be sure to visit (and subscribe to) Better Communication Results, Lee Hopkin’s blog.

Is email marketing still relevant in a 2.0 world?

G’day – thanks for returning!

I just finished a fantastic conversation with Chris Abraham, the President and COO of AbrahamHarrison.

If you’ve been around the internet for a while, especially in the ‘marcoms’ (marketing communications) space, you would certainly have heard of Chris; if not of the man himself then certainly of one of his marketing and outreach programs.

Chris is one of those select few online marketers who’s text doesn’t read like a traditional online direct mail piece – you know, with LOTS OF CAPITALS and heaps of bold text and yellow highlighting and italics and

• bullet
• points
• a-
• plenty

and testimonials by the kazillion…

I could point you to a zillion of those sites – which is not to say that the style of marketing they use is not successful; it is, otherwise they wouldn’t keep doing it. But you know as soon as you see the huge, bold, bright red and often in CAPS headline what to expect for the rest of the (very) long toilet roll of a page.

Chris takes a much softer approach, always has done, and it seems to work for him and his style of copywriting.

Video, the radio star and plain ol’ bandwagon idjuts

With the advent of Web2.0/Social Media there were many ill-informed and just plain ‘bandwagon’ pundits who hailed the death of traditional communication tools such as email, web1.0 sites and – gasp – newspaper, magazine, radio and television.

Much as television didn’t kill radio as force it to rethink its place and find its niche, so too with Social Media. Every new technology platform or societal change brings with it a change in how all that came before it must view themselves and continue to offer relevancy.

Radio didn’t die, newspapers haven’t been killed off, I can still pick up plenty of magazines that appeal to all demographics and both genders from my local newsagent, and email hasn’t disappeared off the radar (if my bulging inbox every morning is anything to go by).

So it was fantastic to finally chat with someone who, like me, believes that email is STILL a fundamental part of the marketing toolkit.

In talking with Chris today, he was genuinely flattered that a fellow copywriter would find his material engaging; I thought it was brilliant reading and his deployment strategies for his clients brilliantly executed.

You see, Chris, like me, believes that email won’t go away, but WILL have to change in order to survive in the new communication landscape. Our shared view is that it will have to evolve in a couple of ways:

1. Shorter emails will be the best way of getting people’s attention
2. Long-form emails are best saved for newsletters; trying to ‘sell’ via email will become even harder to excel at.

If you’ve ever received one of Chris’ emails, you will be stunned by several things:

1. They are short – only 2-3 paragraphs
2. They link off to a SMNR (Social Media News Release) that gives a far more in-depth level of information (and all the material you might need to help you spread the word or get involved)
3. If you email Chris or anyone of his team back you WILL get a response, usually within 24 hours (Chris says they try to get back within the hour, but time zones can sometime defeat them)
4. The emails ‘read’ like they were written by a human being, not by a ‘PR’ flack or a ex-journalist hack; they aren’t full of ‘me, me, me’ stuff telling you how wonderful I (the company) am, but neither do they ‘strip-tease tantalise’ you so that when you do click on the link you end up feeling cheated
5. You get the very real feeling that there’s someone real at the end of the email.

Here’s an example (taken from my post about the Fresh Air Fund):

Hello again, Lee

On Sunday I asked if you would kindly help me spread the word about 200 inner-city children I have yet to place with host families in August. I apologize for following up so soon, but time is of the essence and you know how funny email can be. To make things simple, everything is collected into an online resource page http://freshair.smnr.us

This appeal comes straight from the top, so please do not hesitate to contact me directly.

Yours sincerely,

Sara

–
Sara Wilson
Fresh Air Fund
sara@freshair.org
www.freshair.org

Sara is a real person, not a ‘fake’ character. I sent her an email yesterday, wondering if her ears were burning, because Chris and I were talking about her:

G’day Sara,
Just finished the phone call with Chris — oh boy! Were your ears burning? They should have been!!!
Kindests,
Lee

From: Sara Wilson [mailto:swilson@chrisabraham.com]
Sent: Tuesday, 24 February 2009 2:02 AM
To: Lee@leehopkins.com
Subject: Re: Fellow Power 150 blogger

Hello Lee,
Just a quick note to re-confirm that Chris will be calling you at 10 am, your time, tomorrow (Tuesday).
No need to reply unless something has come up on your end, otherwise he will speak to you in about 7.5 hours!
Best,
Sara

In reply, Sara said,

Lee,
And I thought it was just hot where I was last night … 
It’s very kind of you to mention it, thanks.   Chris is a great guy to work for, and generous with compliments, but it’s always nice to know that someone appreciates you, isn’t it?
Cheers,
Sara

Controversy

Because Chris and his team start any campaign with an email-based blogger outreach, some of the ‘holier than thou’ social media purists occasionally give him ‘stick’, or snicker behind his back and call him a ‘spammer’. Not true – the team are very hot on ensuring only a good taste remains in the mouth of any blogger they contact, and of only offering bloggers something of actual value to the blogger.

Which is a behaviour totally unlike the hapless, clueless and insulting PR flacks who regularly show up on The Bad Pitch Blog and who attempt to fill my inbox with material about electronics, or sanitary napkins, or (ahem) extension kits, or pharmaceuticals shipped from Canada. Thank goodness I have SpamArrest to filter them out before they hit my inbox!

Chris and his team have painstakingly built up a list of nearly 35,000 bloggers across several different demographics and topic areas of interest. Visiting their blogs, they harvest their email address. They then politely email them once to offer them something of interest – if the blogger likes it, they very often blog about it; it they don’t then they don’t. What is fascinating is the response rate Chris gets for his clients.

Word of mouth and gossip-sharing amongst internet marketers has the average rate of sales of anything (be it a blog post or an ebook or a ‘course you cannot live without’) as around 0.01-0.05% from an initial mailing, with the follow-up mailings increasing that to, perhaps, 1.0-2.0%…

Chris and his team regularly get a takeup in the order of 5%, which is phenomenal. In addition, once you start developing an email relationship with anyone in their team (as I have with Sara Wilson) then all future mailings will receive much more attention than would otherwise be the case. A case in point is my own, later, post on the illegal cluster bombing being carried out in South Ossetia and The Survivor Corps run by activist and author of the very powerful book,  I Will Not Be Broken, Jerry White. It is only because Sara had taken the time to develop a relationship with me over previous months that I read and responded to the material from Jerry White. Without that relationship I would never have bothered with a topic outside of my normal areas of interest.

It is the classic ‘relationship marketing’ that Social Media Marketing pundits claim to aim for but rarely achieve.

Goodness, if I could have a dollar for every new ‘expert’ that’s popped up in the Social Media space I would retire a very rich trillionaire (and at the same time wondering how you could be a trillionaire and not be very rich – I guess if you were living in Zimbabwe you wouldn’t be…).

You wouldn’t believe the number of ‘leading social networking and social media marketing experts’ who have suddenly come out of the woodwork and set up communities in places like LinkedIn, Plaxo, Facebook, etc. Curiously, I’ve never heard of these folks before. Most of them don’t even have blogs, or if they do those blogs have only been around for less than a year. Curious, hey?

But Chris, on the other hand, has been around for a long time, has figured out what works and what doesn’t, and as evidence offers the following case studies:

• Energy Bill 2007 Case Study
• Financial Services Reputation Defense Case Study
• Firebrand TV Case Study
• Fresh Air Fund Case Study
• International Medical Corps Case Study
• Movie Producer Reputation Defense Case Study
• Snapple Antioxidant Water Case Study
• Survivor Corps Book Promotion Case Study

If you want to see the sort of posts that are associated with Chris’ kind of blogger PR pitch outreach, here are some examples:

• Thank You Operation Survivor Bloggers
• Thank You All Who Supported International Medical Corps!
• Thank You Again Survivor Corps Bloggers
• Thank You International Medical Corps Bloggers
• Thank You Fresh Air Fund Holiday Bloggers
• Thank You Fresh Air Fund Bloggers
• Thank You Fresh Air Fund Camp Counselor Bloggers!
• The Powerful SEO Benefits of Blogger PR Outreach
• Happy Thanksgiving from Abraham Harrison

Here are some examples of client SMNRs from Chris and his team that I especially like:

• http://anamigo.smnr.us
• http://freshair.smnr.us
• http://banclusterbombs.smnr.us
• http://freshairfundcounselors.smnr.us
• http://survivorcorps.smnr.us
• http://iwillnotbebroken.smnr.us
• http://internationalmedicalcorps.smnr.us

So what???

The whole point of this post is NOT to fawn at the feet of someone who clearly knows what he is doing.

The whole point IS to let you know that you don’t need to throw out your baby with the bathwater:

• Don’t jump on the Social Media bandwagon without educated advice
• Don’t take advice from a pimply 17 year old fresh out of high school
• Don’t take advice from a less-pimply 23 year old fresh out of university
• Don’t ditch all of your understanding of how ‘people’ and networks work
• Don’t take advice from someone who doesn’t even blog themselves, or Twitter, or Facebook… (see my post about Social Media Gurus)
• Don’t take advice from someone who has been blogging less than 24 months

Instead:

1. Download Todd Defren’s absolutely superb ‘Brink’ guide to Social Media and Richard Meyer’s great presentation, ‘Social Media : What you’re afraid to admit you didn’t know’ (he also has a great pharma and biotech-focused pdf presentation). Download and read Trevor Cook’s and my ‘Social Media Report’.
2. Talk to someone who actually knows what they are doing – in Australia that means folks like Stephen Collins, Laurel Papworth, Trevor Cook, Darren Rowse, Gavin Heaton and, humbly, yours truly. If WE can’t help you, we can certainly put you in touch with someone who can. Unlike the USA, where there seems to be a spirit of “You’ll prize my rolodex out of my frozen dead fingers!”, there is no fierce spirit of competition here in Australia – we have  ‘co-opertition’ wherein we all help each other out if the ‘fit’ seems better for the client.
3. Stick to reading the seasoned ‘pros’ of the online marketing and/or business communication space: you cannot go wrong if you start at folks like any of the above, or Shel Holtz, Neville Hobson, Chris Brogan, Darren Rowse, Mitch Joel, Joe Jaffe , Laura Fitton and Chris Abraham himself; see who they link to. Follow your nose from them – all the way along the path you will be reading ‘the good oil’ as we say here in Australia
4. Examine Chris’ examples above and see for yourself how simple but effective your online marketing can be if you do it with the right intention – of helping out the blogger, not flogging stuff for your client. Get the relationship right and you will flog stuff for your client anyway, trust me!

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Currently listening to ‘Next’ by The Necks from the album ‘Next’. Superb jazz funk from one of Australia’s great cult bands.

I just returned from guest lecturing for Chris Boesen at American University’s School of Communication’s Public Communication department. The class was full of seniors who aspire to join the PR workforce.  I didn’t talk gloom or doom because I told them a secret.  I told all of the fresh-faced smarties the secret that will make them competitive if they’re smart: become social media producers instead of being just social media consumers: start blogging yourself into Edelman, Ogilvy, Burson, Ketchum, Fleishman, and Qorvis.

So, hopefully they’ll write themselves right into an entry-level position in 9 months when they all graduate — if they’re smart (and they seemed like they were — a bunch of them already blogged and Twittered, some of them on their own and some of them because of a class — who cares how!).  I also told them that I would be happy to help them in any way they can now and in the future — with one condition: they they send me the link to their blog.  If they can provide me with a link to a blog that is about digital PR, new PR, PR, communications, marketing, or social media, I am at their service.  Otherwise, fuck ‘em! (it’s for their own good).

So, if you want to learn more about my experience guest lecturing around Washington, check out Chelsea Reviews My Comm350 Guest Lecture. I will plan on blogging about my experience at American University again; however, I am going to first see if anyone there has has much chutzpah as the lovely Miss Chelsea Clark did over at UMD.

Is it sort of like a Schrödinger’s cat situation: if Chris Boesen’s students reach out to me via a blog post, a tweet, via email, or via phone, I will follow-up with a very positive and adoring post (a total of two for American) but if it ends up being a dud (sorry Chris), then I will have to be more lukewarm in my follow-up review.

Oh, and if you’re curious as to what I went on about for 90-minutes, you can page through the below presentation at your leisure:

I spoke to two classes of communications majors today about digital PR and social media marketing. It was a wonderful experience. The University of Maryland undergraduate course was called Comm350:  Public Relations Theory and their communications professor, Sahar Mohamed Khamis, was amazing generous and welcoming, basically handing me the reins to her class, sight unseen.  The class is described as:

The historical development and contemporary status of public relations in business, government, associations and other organizations. Application of communication theory and social science methods to the research, planning, communication and evaluation aspects of the public relations process.

Everybody was super bright and super nice to me. One thing I was concerned about is that in both classes I taught today, both Comm350, only a couple people had Twitter accounts and I think there were just a couple folks who have a blog or who had every blogged.  And these are our future PR professionals.  Of course, when I asked, 100%  of the students in both classes were on Facebook.  Natch.

Well, I presented my A Guide to Blogger Relations slide show and then took questions.  I told them that blogging, Twittering, and participating in the wider conversation would almost guarantee them a good job at a local or national agency after college.  I told them that they should all, separately or in concert, start writing a blog about their take on communication, on advertising, on popular culture, on television, on PR, on social media — that the thing they learn in class every day would be interesting to the blogosphere, seen through their young eyes.  That there is no doubt in my mind that you can really and truly write yourself into the job of your dreams and if they didn’t blog, all of them, they were darned fools (well, maybe I didn’t say it — it was implied).

I receive quite a thank you note from one of student from the first class, Miss Chelsea Clark, who not only asked a question but also said the following nice things — a mixture of review, testimonial, and, I dare say, her first blog post once removed:

I walked into my Comm350 class on Tuesday expecting to sit there taking notes for an hour and a half like usual. Instead, our professor announced we were  having a guest speaker. I was thinking to myself that this could go one of two  ways: really interesting and way better than cramping my hand taking notes, or  really boring and put me to sleep.

Our guest speaker took the floor and introduced himself and described what his company does. I’ve learned about blogs in PR before, but I was never really able  to link the two together. Yeah, so blogs are a new media outlet, but how does  that help clients? How do businesses personally benefit from random people  around the country writing about their hobbies and interests? I never really  understood the connection until Chris’ presentation.

He described how he would have his team search for blogs that were written about topics that relate to his clients and then send out mass emails to the  bloggers to ask them to write about his clients. He was worried that we would  think he was a spammer, but, having made many annoying calls and emails to  reporters myself, I knew how he felt. He then showed us results of actual  bloggers that wrote about his clients. He got so excited! We all recognized this  feeling, for being PR people ourselves, we know how satisfying it is to have free  publicity.

I thought that Chris did a really good job with his presentation. I followed what he was saying the whole time and enjoyed some of his nerdy antics. I think  some of the people in the class were less interested or maybe didn’t follow what   Chris’ company is responsible for, either because they were pretending to take  notes while really checking their facebooks or because they are still a bit  unfamiliar with PR and got a little bit confused.

For me, the presentation was enlightening, exciting, and interesting and showed me new ways of getting publicity without necessarily resorting to TV and  newspapers. I would definitely recommend him to other PR college classes that  are looking for guest speakers!

That, Chelsea, really made my month.  I appreciate the kind words and thank you, again, to professor Sahar Khamis

who will soon be coming out with a really compelling new book you should all pre-order on Amazon,  Islam Dot Com: Contemporary Islamic Discourses in Cyberspace.  I look forward to it.

Also, if you’re curious as to the content of the slide show and the presentation I did, here it is inline for your enjoyment… however, I need to record one with my insight, wit, and wisdom one of these days soon:

The ‘I Have a Dream’ Speech by Martin Luther King, Jr, in 1963

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we have come to our nation’s capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked “insufficient funds.” But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check — a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quick sands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God’s children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro’s legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. They have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.

As we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, “When will you be satisfied?” We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied, as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro’s basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their selfhood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating “For Whites Only”. We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal.”

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God’s children will be able to sing with a new meaning, “My country, ’tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim’s pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring.”

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God’s children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, “Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!”

My friend Momotaro, the fellow who created the banner for Memes.org, was so amused by the first comment that someone posted onto my blog post, Don’t Save the Whales and Don’t Save the Rainforest Either, that he created the following anthology of really intelligent put-downs, I Hope a Whale Beaches Itself On You — it is bloody brilliant!

1. 1. jenn wrote:

      i think you are a fucked up person considering you dont care about anything but your self i hope a whale beaches it self on you

      Thursday, January 3, 2008 at 6:46 pm #

   2. Saul wrote:

      One thing is true if you are an extremist you are off balance. If you are a fundamentalist in any direction you are off balance. All this needs is a holistic approach. Make money, but don’t sacrifice your children for it. Save whales but make sure to not be depressed by the fact that you might not. Fucked up is what happens when you forget what is most important to your existence and your families existence – which is in the here and now.

      Thursday, January 3, 2008 at 7:14 pm #

   3. johndoe@aol.com wrote:

      blow me, bitch! you need a brain.

      Tuesday, January 15, 2008 at 4:04 am #

   4. Chris wrote:

      johndoe@aol.com »

      Charming.

      Tuesday, January 15, 2008 at 5:06 am #

   5. Jessie wrote:

      I just happened to come across this essay because I was looking for an animal to write about for English class. I clicked on the logo because I am absolutely terrified of whales. I think your writing is very good, and I do agree that one should not focus on one single cause, forgetting about one’s loved ones. However, there are a large host of people who manage to care very deeply about vital causes such as hunger or poverty, and still put much devotion into family and personal life. I think I am going to traverse your writings, Chris.

      Thursday, January 31, 2008 at 10:38 pm #

   6. taylor wrote:

      u r sick and u should not be so cruel u selfish thing!

      Tuesday, February 5, 2008 at 10:17 am #

   7. John wrote:

      Good job! A+

      Friday, February 8, 2008 at 6:19 pm #

   8. noneyabuisness wrote:

      YOUR STUPID. YOU MUST BE AN ANIMAL HATER YOU FACKOO. how can you not feel bad for them? your such a…gosh

      P.S. (save the polar bears) wolfs are awesome!

      Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 3:00 am #

   9. logan wrote:

      save the d*** whales this guy dosen’t now what he is talking about the dumb A** what the H**l is your prob. beach a whale on him.

      Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 6:57 pm #

   10. logan wrote:

       jhon shut the heck up you dumb A** gosh!

       Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 6:58 pm #

   11. logan wrote:

       jessie you shut up to what is your guyzes problem save whales

       Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 7:00 pm #

   12. Jennifer wrote:

       WAT DA HELL IS UR FUKIN PROBLEM U DUMASS UR SICK AND STUPID!!! HOW DO U NOT FEEL BAD FOR THEM, U DON’T HAVE A FUKIN HEART AND AND UR SELFISH SO GO TO HELL!!! IT’S FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT WHALES ARE IN DANGER
       GO SUCK A DICK!!!!!

       Sunday, February 24, 2008 at 10:53 pm #

   13. Saul wrote:

       Jennifer – you really made me laugh. You are so eloquent in your deep discussion of a relevant topic. What have you done for the whales today?

       Monday, February 25, 2008 at 8:48 am #

   14. Chelsea wrote:

       I think you are the biggest low life i have ever heard of the Whales and the rainforests deserve to be saved. how dare you write that appalling colunm it’s disgusting!!!!!!! I’m 13 and i think thats saying something

       Monday, March 3, 2008 at 8:12 am #

   15. Chris wrote:

       Chelsea »

       Cheslea, did you read the article?

       Monday, March 3, 2008 at 10:00 am #

   16. Emiily Scott wrote:

       Hey you need to seriously sort ya self out! Why the hell don’t you care about anything but yourself! I hope you sometime need a transplant and dont get one and then ypu need someone but nooo we shouldn’t SAVE YOU!

       Wednesday, March 5, 2008 at 3:00 pm #

   17. Nancy wrote:

       YOUUUUUUUUUU ARE GAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

       Wednesday, March 5, 2008 at 3:01 pm #

   18. Abe wrote:

       BAHHHH HUMBUG!!!
       SAVE THE WHALES!
       NOT YOU!
       YA STUPID WITCH

       Wednesday, March 5, 2008 at 3:02 pm #

   19. Ben wrote:

       Not that i agree with him, but he has every right to express his opinion on the subject, he does have some good points, but…

       Thursday, March 6, 2008 at 12:51 am #

   20. Sydney wrote:

       KILL THE CHRIS!! KILL THE CHRIS!! cMON EVERYBODY, DONT SAVE THE CHRIS ABRAHAMS!!! considering he doesnt care about anything but himself. hes gonna ruin the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

       Saturday, March 8, 2008 at 1:42 pm #

   21. Sydney wrote:

       SCREW U TOO BEN!!

       Saturday, March 8, 2008 at 1:42 pm #

   22. Chris wrote:

       Sydney, you mean “Kill the Humans,” right? I never named any particular whale, such as Shamu or Willy, right?

       Saturday, March 8, 2008 at 6:19 pm #

   23. Chris wrote:

       Oh, and I should also add, “Don’t Save the Humans,” either.

       Saturday, March 8, 2008 at 6:19 pm #

   24. Cecily wrote:

       I AGREE WITH JENIFER!!! WHOO-HOO! I SAY EVERTHING SHE SAYS!!!

       Saturday, March 8, 2008 at 9:00 pm #

   25. sydney wrote:

       u r a total psycho!!! If u dont want to help save the wonderful, beautiful, gorgeous planet god gave u to live on, u have mental issues!! U shouldbe locked up somewhere in SOLITARY DETENTION!!!!! SAVE THE WHALES!!!!!!!! and dont listen to this stupid idiot fag chris abraham, who says “kill the children!!” u were a kid once, how would u feel if u were a kid browsing the web, and came cross a site saying ‘kill the children’?? Whats wrong with you?? ur momma musta dropped u on ur head or something when u were a kid. peace!!

       Saturday, March 8, 2008 at 9:22 pm #

   26. korney wrote:

       ur a fag it is porple like u that kill the world off!! if someone to have there world stay around for awhile then that is there buisness dont tell them how to live there life so go kill ur self

       Sunday, March 9, 2008 at 12:01 am #

   27. Tookie wrote:

       i think that u should have a heart for creatures lives and u should balance it out with ur family. whales and other animals have lives just like us and have families too but r being hunted and seperated from them. u can do simple things at home too u know. by the way, why did u bring this subject up anyway sam? is it something related to u?

       Sunday, March 9, 2008 at 8:40 am #

   28. Tookie wrote:

       hey jerks! leave him alone! mhe can freely express himself. i dont agree with but dont put him down for his personal opion!

       Sunday, March 9, 2008 at 8:55 am #

   29. Bobby wrote:

       Tookie, we are not jerks, WE are just freely expressing ourselves, and i think that when Chris was a baby his momma dropped him on his head, fed him stupid juice, and then sucked his brain out with a vaccum. TO CHRIS: YOU ARE A STUPID RETARDED A** H***!!! I hope one day, you need serious help, but the people say “No we are using that to save the whales.” Than ‘technically’ we are not sayng “KILL THE CHRIS” But we are still killing you. Go to hell. I agree with anyone who says chris is a dick.

       Sunday, March 9, 2008 at 3:59 pm #

   30. Thomas wrote:

       I agree with Bobby, if he means a DIRTY dick.

       Sunday, March 9, 2008 at 5:23 pm #

   31. Andrew wrote:

       You are a FART, SHIT

       Monday, March 10, 2008 at 8:21 am #

   32. and wrote:

       You DA BIAN

       Monday, March 10, 2008 at 8:22 am #

   33. Chris wrote:

       I call all you crazy 14-year-olds the Whale-Qaeda!

       Monday, March 10, 2008 at 12:10 pm #

   34. Melissa wrote:

       okay i think there needs to be a balance. You should be able to spend the majority of your time in your life, but also take the time to help others, including the whales. Yes, the theme of saving yourself first and the world will follow suit, is a popular one, and if you think about it, it makes sense. You can do your best and until you can be your best, and that includes home life.

       so i agree with you Chris (guys don’t freak out on me), but maybe you could have said this in a less offending and extreme way.

       Save the whales, but save yourself and the people in your life too, is what i think you’re trying to say.

       okay i’m done ahha

       Wednesday, March 12, 2008 at 8:36 pm #

   35. Sydney’s BFF wrote:

       Whatever Chris you’re a jerk. There’s a difference between expressing your opinion gently and then there’s just insanity. You’re nowhere in between, you’re a psycho person. In your quest to kill off the children and whales and all things beautiful just because you’re not, you have proved to everyone who visits this psycho site that you actually do care by attracting more attention to the cause. Thanks Chris, for helping save the whales, but you still belong in a strait jacket somewhere until you see a poor whale being harpooned and you’ll see what it’s really like. Until then, read all these messages people leave you and PLEASE, PLEASE reconsider you opinion. Suppose someone was looking for a house in your neighborhood and shot and killed you because they wanted your house to be yours. Well that’s what it’s like to be harpooned by some jerk-off fishermen
       SERIOUSLY DUDE TAKE SOME DEEP THINKING TIME FOR YOURSELF AND RECONSIDER. SAVE THE WHALES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

       Wednesday, March 12, 2008 at 11:55 pm #

   36. Sydney’s BFF wrote:

       Oh and in my previous message I meant to say they wanted your house to be theirs.

       Wednesday, March 12, 2008 at 11:56 pm #

   37. Lasse wrote:

       wow, thats what i call a discussion! @ all you radical americans talking about saving the world while driving huge ass cars to the next steak house drive-in; whales are just animals and they deserve to live and than to be eaten like any pig and cow you guys have for breakfast. enjoy everybody

       Friday, March 14, 2008 at 4:49 pm #

   38. elly wrote:

       ur an ass.fuck u

       Sunday, March 16, 2008 at 9:14 pm #

   39. Chris wrote:

       What does “ur” mean and what is “u?” Fuck University? What are you trying to say to me, Elly?

       Monday, March 17, 2008 at 12:04 am #

   40. fsdasjkfsdfjk@hotmai wrote:

       thats rite dont save those bastards

       Monday, March 17, 2008 at 2:51 am #

   41. Sydney wrote:

       “ur” is an abbreviation of youre and “u” is an abbreviation of you. idiot.

       Friday, March 21, 2008 at 5:04 pm #

   42. Chris wrote:

       Duh.

       Friday, March 21, 2008 at 7:16 pm #

   43. What the hell wrote:

       u sicko how could you be so fucking fucked up in the head. whales deserve a right to live, unlike you. fuck you

       Saturday, March 22, 2008 at 10:33 am #

   44. Chris wrote:

       You did not read the article, did you? Can you read? I am beginning to think that we need to save the children, save the teens, and work on sub-literacy and illiteracy in the US, Australia, and other English-speaking nations that suffer under the weight of such ignorant activists.

       Saturday, March 22, 2008 at 12:31 pm #

   45. Syzmatomtia wrote:

       98% of all species on earth have fallen to extinction, without the help of man. The other 2% will eventually face extinction as well. It is indeed a natural progression of any ecosystem for old species to pass away and new species to be born.

       Saturday, March 22, 2008 at 4:17 pm #

   46. Ashley wrote:

       U R A ass hole 4 not saving the whales u should be more caring. U need to get a life and a personality.&&&&&&U should go and fuck yourself…………….
       ……………………
       THANK 4 NOT CARING ABOUT ANYTHING BUT YOURSELF (((((NOT))))

       Sunday, March 23, 2008 at 2:48 am #

   47. J. Miller wrote:

       Request permission to use the image ‘don’t save the whales’ for a university newsletter cover with theme ‘taboo’. Please.

       Wednesday, March 26, 2008 at 4:34 am #

   48. Chris wrote:

       Yes, please use it as often and as freely as you like!

       Wednesday, March 26, 2008 at 10:46 am #

   49. Lila wrote:

       People’s pathedic lives are not half as important as that of the whales, rainforests, and etc. Go fuck yourself and save the fucking whales you cock sucker

       Friday, March 28, 2008 at 12:04 am #

   50. Monica wrote:

       Is this a social experiment?

       Friday, March 28, 2008 at 12:16 am #

   51. sarah wrote:

       Dude, love the whales and stop being a hater. How would you feel if people took you out of your home and killed you?! It wouldn’t feel good would it?

       Friday, March 28, 2008 at 5:10 pm #

   52. Chris wrote:

       sarah »

       That was a very persuasive argument.

       Friday, March 28, 2008 at 5:50 pm #

   53. Ashely wrote:

       WHAT THE SAM HELL R U THINKING DUMBO IF U WANNA THREAT THOSE ENDANGERED CREATURES U’LL HAVE TO GO THROUGH ME AND THE OTHER PEOPLE THAT WROTE ABOUT UR STUPID PARAGRAPH AND JUST SO U KNOW WHALES R MY FAVORITE ANIMALS SO INSTEAD OF NOT SAVING THE WHALES LET’S KICK U OFF OF EARTH AND NOT SAVE U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!U SHOULD DO A WEBSITE CALLED http://WWW.CHECK OUT HOW STUPID I AM.COM U SHOULD REALLY DO THAT U WILL NEVER WIN

       Wednesday, April 2, 2008 at 12:08 am #

   54. Chris wrote:

       Did you read the article? Do you know how to spell? Can you take your finger off the shift key, please?

       Wednesday, April 2, 2008 at 8:58 am #

   55. Smilee wrote:

       rele have u got nuffin better to do wiv ur life than write horrible stuff about whales. if u hate whales so much y not keep it 2 urself?? anyways i love whales and i dont kno how any1 can want them 2 b killed … so plz stop writin horrible stuff!!!

       Monday, April 7, 2008 at 5:25 pm #

   56. alley wrote:

       You are a sick person. Don’t save whales? How cruel. You should think twice.

       Sunday, April 13, 2008 at 2:15 am #

   57. Aman wrote:

       Chris Abraham kill that bicth.

       Wednesday, April 16, 2008 at 3:24 pm #

   58. Aman wrote:

       Theres a bicth named Chris Abraham
       He should die

       Wednesday, April 16, 2008 at 3:25 pm #

   59. Aman wrote:

       Chris Abraham does not have the right to live.

       Wednesday, April 16, 2008 at 3:28 pm #

   60. Chris wrote:

       Whale-Qaeda!

       Wednesday, April 16, 2008 at 4:32 pm #

   61. nunyabusiness wrote:

       Chris, I understand the ability to express your feelings, but maybe you should do it in a better way. I AM A CHILD, AND WHAT YOU JUST SAID SICKENS ME!!! I also feel the need to say that whales are my favorite animals, and this is so out of line and wrong. They are part of our ecosystem and you should be ashamed of yourself. What people are doing is taking mothers away from their babies, or taking away a wife or husband. Do you have a wife? A kid? A mom? How would you feel if someone shot one of them? Not to good, huh? I think that you should really reconsider and think about how whales are one of the smartest mamals and have feelings and families too before you write such things.

       Sunday, April 20, 2008 at 3:49 pm #

   62. nunyabusiness wrote:

       oh, by the way, I’m not the same “NONEYABUSINESS” as one of the earlier ones, I didn’t see that one. By the way, I also agree with sarah.

       Sunday, April 20, 2008 at 3:52 pm #

   63. Chris wrote:

       What you you mean by child? 8? That is the age of a child.

       Sunday, April 20, 2008 at 10:30 pm #

   64. nunyabusiness wrote:

       actually, I’m seven. so think of how smart i am— unlike you. i was looking for whales because i like them, and i found this.

       Tuesday, April 22, 2008 at 11:46 pm #

   65. nunyabusiness wrote:

       oh, and you also, you must have no come back because all you said was the child thing.

       Tuesday, April 22, 2008 at 11:47 pm #

   66. chris abraham wrote:

       It was not a come back. 7 is very young and you are brilliant. No, I would not want my family to be shot. And, if you’ll read the article I wrote, I never said one thing about hurting whales. I sort of said, “don’t let your family get shot before you save the whales.” My blog is too sophisticated for someone your age. I am pretty sure my site is blocked by the net nanny software your parents should be using.

       Wednesday, April 23, 2008 at 9:11 am #

   67. bree wrote:

       wow ur fucked up whales are the best and its because of ass holes like you that our animals are becoming endangered and extinct

       Sunday, April 27, 2008 at 12:11 am #

   68. Dannii wrote:

       You are so mean, and i hope u rot in hell bcoz u r so mean n u dont vcare about anyone but yourself bcoz ur so selfish!!!!

       Sunday, April 27, 2008 at 11:04 am #

   69. Kaitlyn and McKenna wrote:

       CRAP YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

       Monday, April 28, 2008 at 8:02 pm #

   70. Chris wrote:

       Crap me?

       Monday, April 28, 2008 at 9:26 pm #

   71. shmo wrote:

       YES U!!!! WHAT DO U THINK!! U ARE SOOOOOO RETARDEDLY STUPID!! I WISH I COULD MEET U IN PERSON WIT SOME OF THE PEOPLE THAT HATE YOU SO WE COULD SERIOUSLY DAMAGE UR FACE!!!!!

       Thursday, May 1, 2008 at 10:23 pm #

   72. SHMO wrote:

       good job nonyebussiness, i spelled that wrong. its good that young people are taking an intrest in saving our world!! keep it up!

       Thursday, May 1, 2008 at 10:25 pm #

   73. shmo wrote:

       hey anyone who hates chris lets almost kill him to see howq he likes it them feed him to the whales!!!! that will show him!!!

       Thursday, May 1, 2008 at 10:30 pm #

   74. Chris wrote:

       Yes. That would be fantastic, you Whale-Qaeda!

       Thursday, May 1, 2008 at 11:52 pm #

   75. Chris wrote:

       Shmo, you amuse me.

       Thursday, May 1, 2008 at 11:54 pm #

   76. shmo wrote:

       glad i do cause i will be writing stuff quite often. FYI!!!

       P.S. what does Whale-Qaeda mean?

       Friday, May 2, 2008 at 12:04 am #

   77. shmo wrote:

       ugh.. u piss me off soooo much!!!! u arogant, retarded, stupid fool!!!!

       Friday, May 2, 2008 at 12:05 am #

   78. Chris wrote:

       

       Friday, May 2, 2008 at 12:35 am #

   79. wafflez wrote:

       i cant believe that u would make a website based on not saving the whales…u wanna kill whales? u might as well just fuckin kill me! better yet, kill urself! the world doesnt need bastards like u here to ruin it! ppl wanna help keep the world a better place and help the enviornment!

       Friday, May 2, 2008 at 12:44 am #

   80. SHMO!!!! wrote:

       WOO HOO!!!! I LOVE U WAFFELZ! ( THATS ONLY CAUSE I KNOW U!) WE SAID! WE DONT NEED TO CHRIS, GO DIE IN A HOLE. AND I AM VERY LITERATE THANK U VERY MUCH!

       Friday, May 2, 2008 at 1:33 am #

   81. SHMO wrote:

       ooops! spelling errors. it says well said.
       and we dont need u chris

       Friday, May 2, 2008 at 2:05 am #

   82. Cola wrote:

       you are one fucked up person. people like you should be extinct. i’d much rather have whales, rhinos, manatees, pandas, koalas, tigers, dolphins, elephants, ect. than assholes like you!

       Friday, May 2, 2008 at 2:58 am #

   83. LOEN! wrote:

       seriously.. where does all this hate cum from? answer that!! ugh u r so fukin retarded! GO TO REHAB!!!!!

       Friday, May 2, 2008 at 3:02 am #

   84. I LOVE WHALES!!! wrote:

       Friday, May 2, 2008 at 3:15 am #

   85. I LOVE WHALES!!! wrote:

       [IMG]http://i261.photobucket.com/albums/ii46/xoxlucylou11xox/my%20sayings/whales-1.gif[/IMG]

       Friday, May 2, 2008 at 3:18 am #

   86. I LOVE WHALES!!! wrote:

       Friday, May 2, 2008 at 3:18 am #

   87. SHMO!!! wrote:

       GO TO THIS AND READ IT!!!! IT TOTALLY APPLIES!!!

       Friday, May 2, 2008 at 3:19 am #

   88. I LOVE WHALES!!! wrote:

       GO TO HELL!!!

       Friday, May 2, 2008 at 3:22 am #

   89. I LOVE WHALES!!! wrote:

       CLICK ON MY NAME AND READ IT U BASTARD!

       Friday, May 2, 2008 at 3:22 am #

   90. I LOVE WHALES!!! wrote:

       Click on this! how does that make you feel? what if you were a whale? do u want me to HARPOON u?! huh?!

       http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.all-creatures.org/anex/whales-sl-06_small.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.all-creatures.org/anex/whales.html&h=273&w=200&sz=9&hl=en&start=46&tbnid=Ea4oBdMsazeAsM:&tbnh=113&tbnw=83&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dkilling%2Bof%2Bwhales%26start%3D40%26gbv%3D2%26ndsp%3D20%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN

       Saturday, May 3, 2008 at 1:50 am #

   91. Queso wrote:

       you are a fucking dick hole and you need to go die in hell!!!!!!!! how would you feel if i came to your house and used all your fat for oil ( the world would never run out) so wat we cant save our own problems ( im 14 i dont have a family so if i want to save the world nothing is stopping me) go to HELL FAG

       Saturday, May 3, 2008 at 2:01 am #

   92. SHMO!! wrote:

       WOO HOO!!!! U SAID IT QUESO! ugh!! chris u r such an asshole!! i f dont care about this planet, then y dont u die!!! cause noone would miss u and its people like u killing the world, while my frends and i are trying to save it!!

       Saturday, May 3, 2008 at 3:19 am #

   93. kerryraine@yahoo.com wrote:

       you are pathetic, and i was not going to respond at all, you are one person, on this planet, you are just a protazoa, a germ, and most of all insignifficant , do you honestly thibk that what you say means anything to anyone.

       Saturday, May 3, 2008 at 10:10 am #

   94. Chris wrote:

       No, Kerry, I don’t.

       Saturday, May 3, 2008 at 5:23 pm #

   95. Chris wrote:

       You guys make me crazy but I just laugh. Please, read the article.

       Saturday, May 3, 2008 at 5:57 pm #

   96. Phillip J Rhoades wrote:

       I LOVE WHALES!!!, those photos make me hungry. I only eat dolphin aggressive tuna.

       Queso and SHMO!!, the world doesn’t need your saving. Get over your sense of human importance. Get over the idea that extinction isn’t natural. It is natural. We are natural superpredators and it is our purpose to cause extinction. 98% of every life form that has ever been on this planet has become extinct, even before we arrived.

       yes Kerry, we are all unimportant, so is the whale in the ocean, and the sea turtle, and the great bald eagle. They are just species waiting for the natural end, and that end is extinction. It will come with or without us.

       Death is normal. Creatures attacking and eating other creatures is natural. This is life. This is nature. And as part of nature this is also what we do.

       Saturday, May 3, 2008 at 9:09 pm #

   97. Queso wrote:

       we make a choice to kill or not so if i want to save the world I WILL AND I CAN so you can go fuck chris abraham! you are perfect for each other! how can whales and dolphins taste good? they are blubber…you are a disgusting pig!

       Saturday, May 3, 2008 at 10:08 pm #

   98. I LOVE WHALES!!! wrote:

       are you kidding me?! THOSE PICTURES MADE ME GO FUCKING VEGETARIAN YOU FAT CANIBLE! YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO EAT YOUR DOG OR YOUR MOM! AFTER SEEING THAT MEAT IS DISGUSTING AND I REGRET EVER EATING IT! OMFG YOU MOTHER FUCKER DICK SUCKERS ARE SO GROSS!

       Saturday, May 3, 2008 at 10:12 pm #

   99. SHMO!!! wrote:

       WHAT THE HELL IS UR FUCKIN PROBLEM PHILIP!!! YES EXTINCTION IS NATURAL, BUT THE REASON THAT THE WHALES ARE GOING EXCTINCT, IS BECAUSE OF FUCKIN DICK SUCKERS LIKE YOU THAT EAT THEM!! THAT IS WHAT WE ARE TRYING TO PREVENT! WITHOUT ASS HOLES LIKE YOU!, THERE WOULD BE NO PROBLEM!! YEA… U AND CHRIS SHOULD GO OUT, ITS PERFECT. UGH!!! U PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKIN SCREWED UP!! GO DIE IN A HOLE U ASS HOLES!!

       Sunday, May 4, 2008 at 1:05 am #

   100. Chris wrote:

        Mark, is that you? Mark, are you SHMO? You’re SHMO, right? Come on, you can tell me. It’s so good! You almost had be fooled. Good one!

        Sunday, May 4, 2008 at 2:46 am #

   101. Shmo! wrote:

        WHAT THE HELL U RETARD?!?!? MY NAME IS NOT MARK! I SWEAR TO THE WHALES THAT WE ARE TRYING TO SAVE!
        I’M NOT MARK

        Sunday, May 4, 2008 at 2:59 am #

   102. Phillip J Rhoades wrote:

        We are natural too. It doesn’t matter if we’re the cause for extinction or not, because all species meet extinction at some point or another. It is normal and natural for species to become extinct.

        Also, I (like two thirds of the world) have no problem eating dog meat. A dog is just another beast and just more food for me.

        The world doesn’t need saving, because the world will continue without you, without whales, without any of what is now. All that is now will fade away. All that is now will move on into non-existence. It is normal. It is natural for what is to pass away, to give way to what comes after.

        Let me say this one more time:

        Extinction is natural.

        We are natural.

        We are a natural cause of natural extinction.

        It is okay for things to die and species to end.

        Sunday, May 4, 2008 at 7:50 am #

   103. Phillip J Rhoades wrote:

        It is only the human ego that makes us believe we are the caretakers or destroyers of the world. We are not so important.

        Sunday, May 4, 2008 at 8:03 am #

   104. Queso wrote:

        God made us to be the caretakes of the world he did not want us to be the destroyers of this wonderful world we have made into a a living HELL for every thing that we think is not as smart as us so yes it is up to us to save animals from dum fucking dicks like you all.Phillip, if your so hungry why i dont come HARPOON you and your family so then you all and have a nice big dinner! how would that make you feel! oh you would be ded so i guess that would not matter!!!!! and i would feel just fine!!!

        Sunday, May 4, 2008 at 2:23 pm #

   105. shmo! wrote:

        Phillip, it is niot our ego that wants to save the world, we simply want to preserve it! becuase of retards like u and chris, the world and many of it animals are going to die, NOT IN A NATURAL WAY!!! THEY ARE DIYING BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LKE YOU THAT WANT TO EAT THE WHALES! WITHOUT PEOPLE LIKE YOU IN THIS WORLD… THERE WOULD BE NO PROBLEM!! get it? or is that to confuzing for your stupid little head? u r such a fuckin pig!! u need help if u want to eat ur dog. yea y dont we just cum harpoon u and chris and them feed u to the whales?? HUH??? how does that sound?
        and dont talk to us like we are five! we are very intellegent teenagers THAT ARE TRYING TO PRESERVE OUR WORLD UNLIKE DICK SUCKER LIKE U!!!

        Sunday, May 4, 2008 at 4:22 pm #

   106. penny wrote:

        so u Kill the Manatees, Kill the Children, Kill the Tigers, Kill the Dolphins, Kill the Bay, Kill the World, Kill the Koala, Kill the Pandas, Kill the Rhinos, Kill the Elephant or Kill the Whales. Y???? if u kill them, then u will die too! ever thought of that smart ass? yea cause even if we loose plankton, our whole ecosystem will be screwed up!! so if u kill all those animals then u will die and go to hell! God would not want u to be in his kingdom later for u to screw that up to.

        Sunday, May 4, 2008 at 5:08 pm #

   107. penny wrote:

        so u Kill the Manatees, Kill the Children, Kill the Tigers, Kill the Dolphins, Kill the Bay, Kill the World, Kill the Koala, Kill the Pandas, Kill the Rhinos, Kill the Elephant and Kill the Whales. Y???? if u kill them, then u will die too! ever thought of that smart ass? yea cause even if we loose plankton, our whole ecosystem will be screwed up!! so if u kill all those animals then u will die and go to hell! God would not want u to be in his kingdom later for u to screw that up to.

        Sunday, May 4, 2008 at 5:09 pm #

   108. Phillip J Rhoades wrote:

        It does not matter if humanity becomes extinct. We are also a natural creature and that is an end we must face. So, no I don’t care if the current world passes away. There is no problem. People cause extinction, like any dominant animal in an ecosystem it will cause a hardship on the other creatures. This is normal and natural. We are natural creatures and eating and killing other creatures is natural behavior for human beings. Stasis is not natural. The world changes. Life forms and species pass away and new species are born from what is left behind. The survival of any species currently on this planet (including the human species) is not of paramount importance. The ecosystem will recover. It will change into something new, with life forms that have never existed before. Species die out and it is normal and natural. When they die out from us (a natural creature just like any other creature) it is also normal and natural. When we meet our own extinction it will be normal and natural. Life on this planet does not need us and will continue despite what we do to the current set of plants and animals on this planet. The worst we can do is end what is, but that does not end the future of life on this planet. Life has survived ice ages, meteors, volcanic ash laden skies, and more. This world will survive us. the individual species that exist now do not matter. Their fate, our fate, it is of no consequence. The world will simply change and grow, old will pass away and new will thrive. Weak will become extinct and strong will evolve. What you lack is a full vision of the world, of life, of the universe.

        Humanity is a natural creature.

        Extinction is natural.

        Extinction caused by a natural creature (such as humanity) is natural, normal, and okay.

        The extinction of the human species (or any species) is of no great importance in the world.

        The continuation of the human species (or any species) is of no great importance either.

        Sunday, May 4, 2008 at 7:25 pm #

   109. shmo wrote:

        SHUT THE HELL UP!! O my god.. yes it is natural, but the way that the whales and other animals are dyeing is NOT! so shut up! idc if its natural, th whales and other marine animals cannot go extinct if we want our ecosystem to survive without major issues. stop acting like a smart ass!

        Sunday, May 4, 2008 at 7:59 pm #

   110. Phillip J Rhoades wrote:

        The current ecosystem will simply be replaced by a new one. The whales may not be a part of it, we may not be a part of it. That does not matter. Change is normal. Extinction is part of that natural change. We are part of the natural order. That which we do is natural.

        The way the whales are dying is in fact natural. It is caused by the natural creature that is humanity.

        Species dying out is normal, natural, and okay. It is the way things have always been. It was this way before the human creature arrived, and will be this way long after we depart.

        The mistake in your thinking, is the idea that humanity is somehow not a natural creature. The idea that humanity is somehow outside of nature. That is simply untrue. WE are a natural product of the ecosystem. We are a natural result of what came before. What we do is part of nature.

        Sunday, May 4, 2008 at 8:19 pm #

   111. shmo! wrote:

        there is no dounght in my mind that we are natural, but they way that the whales are dying IS NOT NATURAL!without us, they would be fine! how do u not c this? yes things die and new things replace them, but in this case when a certain species hat is sellfish becuase they want to eat an endangered aimals, this is not natural. WHY ARE U THE ONLY ONE THAT DOES NOT SEE THIS?

        Sunday, May 4, 2008 at 9:07 pm #

   112. shmo wrote:

        How old r u any way? cause u act like u r some old smart fart! but ur not!

        Sunday, May 4, 2008 at 9:08 pm #

   113. Phillip J Rhoades wrote:

        Without us they would simply die off from some other reason or creature. Species eat and decimate other species. It is in fact natural for one species to obliterate other species. Why are there so few who realize this? The reason would be the mass media propagation of the idea that ecological stasis is the norm. In fact, ecological stasis is neither normal or natural.

        Ecological change, disaster, and rebirth are normal.

        Sunday, May 4, 2008 at 9:15 pm #

   114. shmo wrote:

        so u get it? that without the humans they would not by extinct right now? o finally ur stupid liitle brain takes in some sense. that i what i have been trying to say, that yes the whales would have died without us, but the fact of the matter is that they are dying right now! yes all creatures eat eachother, but the human race is way to universal and we eat creatures that we dont need to eat, and that are supposed to live longer. GET IT YET??? if not i will be back later!!

        Monday, May 5, 2008 at 2:08 am #

   115. Phillip J Rhoades wrote:

        The point being, it does not matter if humans are the cause or a meteor or some other creature. Extinction is normal and natural. Human beings are a natural creature leading to the natural extinction of other creatures. We are not outside of the ecosystem. We are part of the ecosystem. Nothing that we do is unnatural. Everything that we do is a natural extension of the ecological system. If we’re causing an extinction or many extinctions that is only a normal and natural progression of life and evolution. We are not above nature, and what we do is a part of the natural cycle.

        It is completely and totally okay in the grand and massive scheme of life on this planet for creatures to become extinct. yes, it’s even okay for a natural creature, like humans, to cause the extinction of other creatures. It is the norm. It is the way it has always been. It doesn’t matter if it’s us or something else. Everything meets extinction eventually.

        Monday, May 5, 2008 at 4:14 am #

   116. somebody wrote:

        This is awfull. of course we must save the whales!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        Monday, May 5, 2008 at 6:32 am #

   117. no name wrote:

        SAVE THE WHALES!!! I am with shmo we HAVE 2 HELP THEM I MEAN WITHOUT THE HUMANS WHALES WOULD BE FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        Monday, May 5, 2008 at 6:35 am #

   118. Will Litchfield wrote:

        Don’t save the whales?

        What the hell is wrong with you, jesus christ. If whales are the devils servants then you are the devil!

        Monday, May 5, 2008 at 3:38 pm #

   119. Chris wrote:

        Will Litchfield » What does that even mean? And, please don’t call me Jesus Christ.

        Monday, May 5, 2008 at 7:44 pm #

   120. Chris wrote:

        somebody » How are you saving the whales today?

        Monday, May 5, 2008 at 7:44 pm #

   121. shmo! wrote:

        thank you no name! as to you phillip… i dont inderstand why you need to wirte such long blogs, its really qite annoying! we need to save the whales becuase someone said before even if we loose plankton, you know those tiny miniscule things in our ocean, we willl be in big trouble. so imagine what would happen if we lost the whales or the manatees, or penguins, polor bears, etc. get my onsomble?

        Chris will litchfield is just a name it doesnt mean anything, dont be a wise ass. and i bet “somebody” is figuring out what to do, you cant expect everyone to just start something right away!

        Monday, May 5, 2008 at 9:43 pm #

   122. 36987 wrote:

        wow! that was insightful!

        Monday, May 5, 2008 at 10:32 pm #

   123. shmo wrote:

        ok i think that was a waste of time and space if i do say so myself

        Tuesday, May 6, 2008 at 2:21 am #

   124. Chris wrote:

        shmo! » That logic doesn’t work, Shmo. The lower the order the more important the species is: plankton and coral are essential ingredients of undersea life while whales and manatees; penguins and polar bears, higher up in the chain, are really less essential. Losing bees is a big deal, losing man isn’t. Losing algae is a big deal, losing the blue whale isn’t. That said, as we have been discussing via email, I am not a proponent of whale-killing and am in fact more of a green freak now that I have ever been. I moved to Europe, gave up a car, ride by bike, go to the green grocers and buy veggies without plastic bags and carry them home in a reusable cotton bag. When I need to go far, I choose the train, when I need to go close, I take the subway or mount my bike. My footprint is low and I am active in my community.

        What have you done for he whales or for the environment lately — besides attacking me?

        Tuesday, May 6, 2008 at 6:46 am #

   125. Chris wrote:

        shmo » Well, I am some old smart fart! I am 38! 38 is old!

        Tuesday, May 6, 2008 at 6:48 am #

   126. shmo wrote:

        geeezz!! what the heck! someones angry today?! thats good and i am gld that u are doing that. it doesnt madder where on the food chain the whales are. they obviously had a purpose on this earth, or they would not be here. why is that so hard for people to understand?? it doesnt madder where they are they are here and important, maybe not as important as other species, but they are still. After reading ur “posts” my friends were very alarmedd, and so we have been making flyers, that we are actually going to give out at school today! what do u think about that? huh? public awarness? we arent adults, so we cannot do as much, but we ARE DOING ALL THAT WE CAN WITH WHAT WE ARE GIVEN!!!!
        O and by the way, about my last six blogs were not directed to you, they were to Phillip! but thank you for telling me ur age, becuase i was wondering about that!

        Tuesday, May 6, 2008 at 12:47 pm #

   127. Chris wrote:

        shmo » I appreciate you for engaging with me and for opening yourself up to this conversation and for calling me out on being controversial — really, the title of my article has very little to do with the whales or the rain forests, it has to do with family, but I knew that “Don’t Save the Whales” and the graphic would get a lot of attention. How old are you?

        Tuesday, May 6, 2008 at 1:53 pm #

   128. shmo wrote:

        it doesnt madder what the objective is, you diplayed this on the iternet,and now you have to live with the consequences.
        I don not need to reveal my age, that is of no importance.

        Tuesday, May 6, 2008 at 5:53 pm #

   129. Chris wrote:

        shmo » Well, je ne regret rien.

        Tuesday, May 6, 2008 at 10:33 pm #

   130. shmo wrote:

        what the heck does that mean?

        Tuesday, May 6, 2008 at 10:40 pm #

   131. Chris wrote:

        shmo » “je ne regret rien” means, “I regret nothing.” In French.

        Wednesday, May 7, 2008 at 2:31 pm #

   132. shmo wrote:

        and how do u think that i would know that?

        well ok then, becuase u better be prepared for people to continue hating you for what you have said and posted, especially if the whale situation becomes worse.

        Wednesday, May 7, 2008 at 10:04 pm #

   133. Chris wrote:

        shmo » Well, I do expect illiterate and ignorant people to continue to write poorly-written sub-literate comments full of swearing and very little thought, that’s for sure. It has been happening for well over 3 years.

        Thursday, May 8, 2008 at 8:16 am #

   134. shmo wrote:

        i think that the people that write on here are very literate, intellegent, and that swearing is common, becuase of the posts that u have posted. just shut up… u write on here too!

        Thursday, May 8, 2008 at 1:00 pm #

   135. shmo wrote:

        and there is a lot of thought that goes into writing, i should think that u know that… but maybe not!

        Thursday, May 8, 2008 at 1:00 pm #

   136. Chris wrote:

        shmo » There is no literacy or intelligence. The English and grammar is appalling — including your grammar and spelling. You should be ashamed. I hope you get into college.

        Thursday, May 8, 2008 at 3:06 pm #

   137. shmo wrote:

        what the heck! this is only cause it doesnt madder! if i was turning in a paper for a grade then it would be good. when people are on here we dont care if the spelling is wrong!
        I’m not ashamed! idc.
        and i will get into college. there is still thought that goes into it, whether u believe it or not!

        Thursday, May 8, 2008 at 11:39 pm #

   138. kevin wrote:

        BLOW ME!!!!!!………. A BUBLE!!! I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING THAT SHMO HAS SAID! THERE IS THOUGHT THAT GOES INTO THESE (WELL NOT REALY MINE) BUT WIT EVERYONE ELSES! AND YES I AM NOT USING GOOD LANGUAGE, BECUASE I DONT CARE WHAT U THINK! U NEED TO RECONSIDER UR IDEAS AND HOW U DISPLAY THEM!

        Friday, May 9, 2008 at 3:21 am #

   139. shmo wrote:

        well thank u for ur agreeing, but ur words did not really prove my point. but thats ok! thanks! i think so too!

        Friday, May 9, 2008 at 3:22 am #

   140. Chris wrote:

        shmo » You undermine all of your arguments because you communicate sub-literally… it really does madder (sic) — all the time. There is never a time when it doesn’t madder (sic). The entire world will dismiss comments like these — dismissing you as poorly-versed and poorly-informed. Ignorant, really, although I know you aren’t, Shmo.

        Friday, May 9, 2008 at 7:04 am #

   141. shmo wrote:

        shut up!! therea re times where u can use akranims and poor spelling ( like i just did) cause it

        Friday, May 9, 2008 at 9:43 pm #

   142. shmo wrote:

        noone cares!i am not poorly literate! infact i love to write and english is one of my best subjects. i will admit that i am a bad speller, but thats ok, cause WHEN I CARE ABOUT IT… i will fix it and re-read my work, but on here, iam not going to waste my time! get it?

        Friday, May 9, 2008 at 9:46 pm #

   143. shmo wrote:

        no one cares!i am not poorly literate! infact i love to write and english is one of my best subjects. i will admit that i am a bad speller, but thats ok, cause WHEN I CARE ABOUT IT… i will fix it and re-read my work, but on here, iam not going to waste my time! get it?

        Friday, May 9, 2008 at 9:46 pm #

   144. lizzy wrote:

        well, i would first like to say that i have borwsed this web all over and have read every blog, so that chris could not call my uninfromed.
        Now, why would you evoke such an image on the web if ur point was totally different? i guess for attention- public awarness- but dont complain now.
        My family is complete. i have two wonderful children, i live in australia where i am a marine biologist, and my husband studies mamal existence. so why should we not save the world? even if my family was messed up, i would still save the world, becuase i care. all the “stupid wahle queadas” as u say are doing the same thing, but in smaller picture, as they cannot do as much as us adults. i do not agree that you descriminate against them, becuase they are trying to make our future bright and becuase they care. if we dont trust them… then who will? and who will fix our previous mistakes?
        as i have read these blogs, i can agree with both sides. not the family issues, but if we should get involved. as few have said, god has made us care takers of this world, but is it our job to fix it? i mean there are two sides, a) that god has everything planned out that we fix what has been odne, or b) that he has the future organized that we dont need to help. now to decide which one to go with, you need to follow what you believe, and stick with it, dont give up.
        as to the teenagers, keep up your commitment to our planet and follow you dreams, they will come true.
        Chris, i would appreciate if you would stop bashing my fututre and yours. they are literate and i see shmos point of how puncuation and speeling doesnt madder, i dont care right now either.
        Phillip~ i have to agree that you have some excelletn points! but then again i am back to my spiritual ways of believe what you believe.
        chris i must say that your arrogance is very… excentutating. it shows that you will commit to what you have started, and that is good even though you get so much grief. i do believe however that the grief you get is very apprehensive and undersatndable.
        thank you for reading my long speil, feel free to blog back to me for info and advice of how you can help.

        Saturday, May 10, 2008 at 4:02 am #

   145. shmo wrote:

        wow! lizzy i am so glad that you have said that! you are seriously living my dream, i mean australia, thats my goal! well thank you, i am glad that adults see us as a bright beacon for them in the future! and that some think we contribute a lot! thank you

        Saturday, May 10, 2008 at 4:04 am #

   146. Chris wrote:

        lizzy » How can you be an adult woman with children and a scientist husband and be able to write like this, “My family is complete. i have two wonderful children, i live in australia where i am a marine biologist, and my husband studies mamal (sic) existence. so why should we not save the world?” Mammal! Mammal! The job your husband does every day is studying Mammals, with two els. Besides, “excentutating” isn’t even a word, so I don’t even know what my arrogance is! Egad! The future is ruined if the entire island of Australia is subliterate, even the wives of marine biologists! Good lord! Please tell me that you’re a 14-year-old girl just pretending to be a mom and wife because otherwise you’ll make my cry.

        Saturday, May 10, 2008 at 7:28 am #

   147. Chris wrote:

        shmo » What is an “akranims?”

        Saturday, May 10, 2008 at 7:29 am #

   148. shmo wrote:

        see like i said, i am bad at spelling. like a.k.a. or t.t.y.l how they satnd for stuff. c’mon use some common sense and sound it out.

        Saturday, May 10, 2008 at 1:33 pm #

   149. lizzy wrote:

        i hope you do cry, i am speaking like this to prove a point. i’m not going to say what it is, or you would never have to find out. we also have differnet ways of speaking, learn that you bone head!

        Saturday, May 10, 2008 at 1:36 pm #

   150. cody wrote:

        yes, why try and save the world. After all it is the only planet in the solar system capable of supporting life!

        Sunday, May 11, 2008 at 12:51 am #

   151. shmo wrote:

        thank you! exactly! well… actually so far! but thats still so true!

        Sunday, May 11, 2008 at 1:48 am #

   152. Chris wrote:

        lizzy » There may be different ways of speaking but there is a dictionary for a reason and when speaking English, mammal is always spelled mammal and never mamal, especially when that personal supposedly has a husband who studies aquatic mammals. So, you’re just plain wrong, sub-literate, and — to be frank — either lazy or wrong.

        Sunday, May 11, 2008 at 12:59 pm #

   153. Chris wrote:

        shmo » I will use common sense next time if you spend the little bit of time trying to sort out what I am trying to say, too. Meet me half-way.

        Sunday, May 11, 2008 at 12:59 pm #

   154. shmo wrote:

        no! ok i am done trying to undertand what is wrong with you.
        to everyone that reads these, dont listen to chris abraham, do as much as you can to help our world and dont let anyone stear you away from what you believe.

        Sunday, May 11, 2008 at 7:14 pm #

   155. Chris wrote:

        shmo » Oh, egad!

        Sunday, May 11, 2008 at 10:49 pm #

   156. lizzy wrote:

        i am with shmo, there is no point in this website. afternoon chap! good bye!

        Monday, May 12, 2008 at 1:58 am #

   157. Chris wrote:

        lizzy » I appreciate it. Thanks for coming.

        Tuesday, May 13, 2008 at 2:35 pm #

Der Reichstag Berlin, originally uploaded by Chris Abraham.

It is pretty rainy this morning. Not real rain, more like Seattle rain. Berlin rain. So, its gray and wet but also bright. Though it is a hazy gray day in Berlin town, it is still pretty enough to take the classic photo of the Reichstag.

I spontaneously sped towards Pittsburgh, PA, last Saturday afternoon. Hurtling Northwest on Interstate 70. Moving and passing right at 80-85. Sweet Suzi by my Side. Towards what I thought was an heroic act of being a Gentleman for Miss Sarah Connerley.

Alas, she had virtually nothing packed by the time I arrived, in less than 4 hours. Upon landing, we went to it. And although Sarah had to try to avoid a nervous breakdown, she did swimmingly and we returned last Sunday night with two SUVs and a U-HAUL hitch trailer in tow and that’s all she wrote.

Along the way, I got to meet Sarah’s posse who is an amazing mix of Gorgeous Baristas and MFA Poets and Classic Motorcycle hooligans (classic as in Triumphs and old R65s, not classic hooligans). We feasted.

Flank steak. Grilled salmon. Hot dogs. And, of course, Polish Sausages. And loads of Yuengling and wine.

Fancy pretty slumming hooligans right out of Wallpaper*. Very bright, charming, cool, and I hope they all come to the Grotto.

Anyway, all I got to see, really, is Squirrel Hill, but its charming and affluent and cafe-cool.

So, once I buy my bike and have it under hand and I get used to her, then I will buzz up there with Sarah on my back, buzz buzz buzzing off to Pittsburgh for a true visit.

So, unlike Baltimore, I have nothing but kudos to offer to sweet lovely Pittsburgh. Maybe I should apply to grad school or law school at CMU.

Posted Jul 16, 2002 – 02:37 PM

Regina Spektor entry on Wikipedia

Regina Spektor (born February 18, 1980) is a Soviet-born American singer-songwriter and pianist. Her music is associated with the anti-folk scene centered on New York City’s East Village.

Early life
Spektor was born in Moscow, Russia, Soviet Union to a musical family. Her father, a photographer, was also an amateur violinist, and her mother was a music professor in a Russian conservatoire; she now teaches at a public elementary school in Mount Vernon, New York.

Spektor studied classical piano from the age of six, and was also exposed to the music of rock and roll bands such as The Beatles, Queen, and The Moody Blues by her father, who obtained such recordings in Eastern Europe and traded cassettes with friends in the Soviet Union. The family left the Soviet Union in 1989, when Regina was nine, during the period of Perestroika when Jewish citizens were permitted to emigrate. The seriousness of her piano studies led her parents to consider not leaving Russia, but they finally decided to emigrate, for religious and political reasons.

Travelling first to Austria and then Italy, the family settled in the Bronx, New York, and eventually moved to Fair Lawn, New Jersey, where she finished the last three years of her high school career. Spektor has stated that she was originally interested only in classical music, but later became interested in hip hop, rock, and punk.

Beginnings as a songwriter
In New York, Spektor gained a firm grounding in classical music from her piano teacher, Sonia Vargas, a professor at the Manhattan School of Music. Spektor studied with Vargas—whom Spektor’s father had met through violinist Samuel Marder, Vargas’s husband—until she was 17.

Although she had always made up songs around the house, Spektor first became interested in songwriting during a visit to Israel with the Nesiya Institute in her teenage years. Attracting attention from the other children on the trip for the songs she made up while hiking, she realized she had an aptitude for songwriting. Following this trip, she was first exposed to the work of Joni Mitchell, Ani DiFranco, and other singer-songwriters, which gave her the idea that she could create her own songs. She began writing her first a cappella songs around age 16, and wrote her first songs for voice and piano when she was nearly 18.

Spektor completed the four-year studio composition program of the Conservatory of Music at Purchase College in Purchase, New York within three years, graduating with honors in 2001. She worked briefly at a butterfly farm in Luck, Wisconsin. She gradually achieved recognition through performances in the anti-folk scene in downtown New York City, most importantly at the East Village’s Sidewalk Cafe. During this period, she sold her self-produced CDs 11:11 (2001) and Songs (2002) at such performances.

Style
Spektor’s songs rely on a mixture of styles and techniques, often starting with a piano riff but ending with moans, nonsense words, warblings, and other noises. Spektor has said that she has created 700 songs, but that she rarely writes any of them down. Spektor’s songs are not usually autobiographical, but rather are based on scenarios and characters drawn from her imagination. Her songs show influences from folk, Jewish, Russian, hip hop, jazz, and classical music. Spektor has said that she works hard to ensure that each of her songs has its own musical style, rather than trying to develop a distinctive style for her music as a whole.

Spektor possesses a broad vocal range and uses the full extent of it. She also explores a variety of different and somewhat unorthodox vocal techniques, such as verses composed entirely of buzzing noises made with the lips, beatbox-style flourishes in the middle of ballads, or the use of a drum stick to tap rhythms on the body of the piano or chair. Part of her style also results from the exaggeration of certain aspects of vocalization, most notably the glottal stop, which is prominent the single “Fidelity”. She also uses a strong New York accent on some words, which she has said is due to her love of New York and its culture.

Her lyrics are equally eclectic, often taking the form of abstract narratives or first-person character studies, similar to short stories or vignettes put to song. Spektor usually sings in English, though she sometimes includes a few words or verses of Latin, Russian, French, and other languages in her songs. Spektor’s music is further set apart from mainstream folk music by its frequent literary references, such as to F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway in “Poor Little Rich Boy”, The Little Prince in “Baobabs”, Virginia Woolf and Margaret Atwood in “Paris”, Ezra Pound and William Shakespeare in “Pound of Flesh”, Boris Pasternak in “Après Moi”, and Oedipus the King in “Oedipus”. Recurring themes and topics in Spektor’s lyrics include love, death, religion (particularly Biblical and Christian references), city life (particularly New York references), and certain key phrases have been known to recur in different songs by Spektor, such as references to gravediggers, the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, and the name “Mary Ann.”

In Spektor’s early albums, many of her tracks had a very dry vocal production, with very little reverb or delay added. However, Spektor’s more recent albums, particularly Begin to Hope, have put more emphasis into song production and have relied more on traditional pop and rock instruments.

Performances
Since roughly January 2005, Spektor has performed on a bright red Baldwin baby grand piano. She opened for The Strokes in 2003, on her first North American tour. Subsequently, she appeared on Late Night with Conan O’Brien twice, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno twice, Jimmy Kimmel Live, and Last Call with Carson Daly twice. She has toured the United States and Europe. Although she generally only performs original material, she performed her first covers in 2005, of songs by Leonard Cohen and Madonna for the 2nd Annual Jewish Music & Heritage Festival at the 92nd Street Y in New York City.

While with The Strokes on their 2003–2004 Room on Fire tour, Spektor performed “Modern Girls & Old Fashion Men” alongside the band.

In 2006, Spektor embarked on a successful headlining tour of the United States and Europe, selling out numerous clubs and theaters.

Media coverage
Beginning in 2005, Spektor’s music has been used in various television programs and commercials. In late 2005 “Us” (from Soviet Kitsch) was used in a commercial as part of the What Do You Want To Watch? series for the United Kingdom’s Sky Television. The advert features a clip from a documentary on skateboarder Danny Way. In the summer of 2006, a clip from “Us” was used for the teaser website for Microsoft’s Zune project at ComingZune.com, as well as for a promotional campaign for MtvU. “Somedays” was used in a 2005 episode of CSI: NY and “Samson” was used in a 2006 episode of the same series. “On the Radio” was used in an episode of ABC’s popular Grey’s Anatomy. “Field Below” was used in a 2006 episode titled “The Last Word” of CBS’s Criminal Minds. “Fidelity” was also used in a recent episode of “Grey’s Anatomy” titled “Sometimes a Fantasy”, in an episode of Veronica Mars titled “Friday Night Sleights”, and in an episode of “Brothers & Sisters” titled “Sexual Politics”. “Better” is currently being used in a commercial for XM Satellite Radio. Spektor also sang the title song “Little Boxes” of Showtime’s television series Weeds in the 2006 episode “Mile Deep and a Foot Wide” and her “Ghost of Corporate Future” was used both at the beginning and end of the episode.

Regina Spektor gained much media attention in 2006 when her video for “Fidelity” was viewed over 200,000 times in two days on the YouTube website. On SIRIUS Radio’s Left of Center channel, her single “Fidelity” was voted by listeners as the #1 song of 2006.

In Australia particularly, Spektor’s music has rapidly gained popularity in mainstream culture primarily due to Begin To Hope being played on the nation-wide radio station Triple J, where it eventually became a feature album. Prior to Begin To Hope, Regina Spektor had only a small following in Australia in comparison to the US and Europe.

Discography
Most of Spektor’s early albums have been released exclusively in the United States. Her compilation, Mary Ann Meets the Gravediggers and Other Short Stories, has been released worldwide.

Albums
2001 – 11:11 (Regina Spektor)
2002 – Songs (Regina Spektor)
2004 – Soviet Kitsch (Sire/London/Rhino)
2005 – Mary Ann Meets the Gravediggers and Other Short Stories (Transgressive)
2006 – Begin to Hope (Sire) US sales 160,720

Singles and EPs
2003 – Reptilia b/w Modern Girls & Old Fashion Men by The Strokes (Rough Trade)
2004 – Your Honor / The Flowers (Shoplifter)
2005 – Live at Bull Moose EP (Sire)
2005 – Carbon Monoxide (Transgressive)
2006 – Us (Transgressive)
2006 – On the Radio (Sire) UK #60
2006 – Fidelity (Sire) US #84*

Compilations
2006 – Mary Ann Meets the Gravediggers and Other Short Stories (Transgressive)

REGINA SPEKTOR
Begin To Hope (SIRE)

A mere five years ago, Regina Spektor was hypnotizing small crowds at hole-in-the-wall venues on New York ‘s Lower East Side . After playing hundreds of shows in and around NYC, Spektor became the talk of the burgeoning music scene. Though she was selling many copies of CDs she had recorded and produced with friends ( 11:11 and Songs), it was her next album, “Soviet Kitsch,??? that would become her calling card. Originally released as a CDR and handed out at shows, Spektor signed with Sire Records who re-released “Soviet Kitsch??? in 2003. While touring nationally and abroad in support of “Soviet Kitsch,??? Spektor began as an opening act but by year’s end was the main attraction. Going from 200-capacity venues to selling out 1,300 capacity-venues like New York ‘s Irving Plaza and London ‘s Shephard Bush Empire, this Russian-born chanteuse’s songs have gone from being burned in her bedroom to receiving a worldwide fanfare. Though in love with playing shows to her rapidly growing audience, Spektor had written hundreds of songs since “Soviet Kitsch??? and was eager to get back into the studio.

Abandoning her usual method of production and opting for a new experience, Spektor holed herself up at New York Noise Studios in NYC’s Meatpacking District with seasoned producer David Kahne (Paul McCartney). Spending two months during the summer of 2005 working on her fourth release (this new album is also considered her major label debut), Spektor had the opportunity to experiment “until a little Frankenstein was born.” Taking two months to record was a huge amount of time by Spektor’s standards, since she had recorded her “Songs??? record in 1 day and “Soviet Kitsch??? in 10. “To work like this had been a dream of mine, but I thought it would be years before it happened. I definitely tried to put every aspect of myself into it. We played with wires and sounds, set the lab on fire a bunch of times, laughed and started again.???

“Before I even started I knew I was going to experiment with things I’ve only thought about, like beats and drums,” explains Spektor, a multi-instrumentalist. “I really wanted to play with electronic instruments and bigger arrangements. Still, on this record, there are some songs where it’s really sparse. You don’t want to arrange just for the sake of arranging. I had to be careful so the music wouldn’t be more fun to make than to listen to.”

Judging from the final product, we’d say mission accomplished. On “Begin To Hope??? Spektor took the lyrical vignettes and sparse instrumentation she crafted for “Soviet Kitsch??? and pushed herself more in every direction—both lyrically and musically. From the staccato strings plucking the opening chords to the album’s first song, “Fidelity,??? to the blues-infused homage to Billie Holiday “Lady,??? Spektor isn’t able to pinpoint the exact inspiration behind her musical musings.

“You don’t ever know the true lineage of your songs,??? reveals Spektor. “Maybe I’m becoming less of a narrator and more of a character these days. I was always used to observing and writing third-person narrative stories about things I was seeing. Then, as time went on, I started placing myself in these scenes, more like an actor.???

“I don’t fully understand the fascination of people wanting to know the ‘real’ you after listening to your songs” says Spektor, who is still extremely careful when it comes to sharing her personal life with the public. “I understand the fascination of people to want to know you,??? admits Spektor but “ People always want to know which part of the song really happened, they want to know some sort of a “Truth.” For some reason they can see the same actor acting in 17 different movies, using 17 different hair colors, using fake props, changing their voice, changing their accent, being evil or being the victim, and they are okay with that. They understand that it’s just a movie, they understand that it’s an art. But with music they forget. Music, somehow, is life.”

Always willing to damn convention for the sake of creativity, Spektor is one of those rare talents who manage to outrun the trends and force the rest of the world to keep up. “The more I experience in this world, the more questions I seem to have about where this life is leading,??? reveals Spektor . Begin To Hope might still mark the beginning of her career, but Regina Spektor has been carving out her place in music history since she sang her first note.

I thought of a poem I wrote ten-years ago after I wrote Manolo Blahnik Feminism. It is called An Ode to Fashion

Ode to FashionBefore the closet, searching for an
outfit for a soiree, searching for the
vetement du jour. When in doubt, remove
the panties; when in doubt remove the
bra; when in doubt wear something tight
(a youthful body deserves to be traced
as though by a loving finger); when in
doubt, remove the jog bra — under
clothes it makes the breasts look like
a loaf of bread and disguises
flirtatious nipples; when in doubt, go
sheer — hint at the transparent.
When in doubt make the body speak and
show the shape of the flesh: the back,
the shoulders, the butter of the hip
and thigh; when in doubt arch your back
and sit with your legs crossed; when in
doubt pretend you are a model before a
lens and let the sensuality drip off
your form — and never pick at your
clothing when you wear it, let it take
its form against the tummy, the thigh,
the neck, the way your hair falls onto
your shoulders or, held back or up, the
way it bares the delicate skin of your
nape and earlobe, your neckline and
your rising chest.

When in doubt let your seduction drip
– walk like you mean business, for a
sexy woman presses forward from the hip
and glides and commands attention and
is adored for the movement, for the
shape, for the confidence, for the love
of living in a body so desired by men
and women, by the young and old.

When in doubt flick your hair, move in
grand gestures, smile or pout and wink
at pretty boys and girls and lead them
on just before you leave with someone
else. Flirt powerfully, flirt
intelligently — be the duality: soft
pool of hair and bright eyes and your
ideas simmer and your audience sees you
have it all — woman, scholar, siren,
goddess!

And if they wonder if you are wearing
panties, let them. And if they wonder
if you are wearing a bra, let them. And
if your nipples become erect, let them
– it is only natural and as exciting
for you as it is the boy who pauses
from his tirade to catch his breath and
take a sip of his drink. And if your
neckline plunges, hold your shoulders
straight and merely half-smile if you
catch the same boy admiring the
smoothness of your skin.

And never slouch, and never look cheap,
and never pick at your clothing, and
never look ashamed, and never blush or
make excuses because the night is yours
and you own the blush in his cheek, you
own the attention of the host, you glow
and make the guests youthful, playful,
excitable!

Keep your accessories minimal — often
chunky baubles to offset the sheerness
of your ensemble, and a necklace that
forms an arrow to your neckline and
gives the poor lad and excuse if caught
gazing: “my what a lovely pendant.” And
then tell him that you bought it at a
flea market in New York, an Estate Sale
in London and hold it lovingly in your
hands so that you may admire it
together.

The simply flick your hair, smile
warmly, and walk into the next room,
feeling his poor eyes follow you all
the way through the door until your
lovely lovely form passes from view and
he finally releases a nervous breath
and pours himself something strong and
neat as your chaser.

©1995 chris abraham

Until recently, Don’t Save the Whales was number one for having the most comments. Now, Nicole Richie is Just Not Eating has taken the prize with comments like, “k well i think all of u r jellous that she has a body like that.”

And there is much more. Take some time and read all of them, and you will learn not a little bit.

“YOOOOO !!!! THIS GURL HAVE ANYTHING ANYONE WOULD LIKE TO HAVE AND SHE AIN’T THANKFUL ABOUT IT !!! NICOLE IS JUST STUPID. NOW SHE LOOKS LIKE A FREAKING STICK AND REALLY UGLY ! EWWWW ! NOW SHE AIN’T GOT NO BODY !”

“hmm.. i dunno how she does it you hav to eat well i think she is a bit to skinny but if that makes her happier but not to sick then that should be fine”

“I think she looks hot hot hot. MUCH better than before. I would love to look like her”

“Okkkk Wht the hell she looks ill but im jelaous i would love to look like her who wouldn’t deep down BUT how must she fell freekin awfull no dounbt but PARIS HILTON is STUNNINGLY HOT ! come on guys who can ever be HOTTER than Paris Hilton To me she is perfect but she always did have an advantage cos of her height , 5ft 10 Nicole’s only 5ft 3 x Love Jenna x”

“I kan anderstand Nichole just now,becouse I`m selv is sik write now I have anorexia.. Nichole if you hear mee: Dont do like this!Its wery dangers..I selv not eating 4month,and i kant do somthing,,we living not for eating,we eating for living!Just remember this gordgeos…
Ypu look so sexy before and now,you are a pine.. And its not look so nice,i promice you.. Bye gordgeous.You are fabelous for me,if you are pin smal,or not!You are just you are!You dont nid not eating,just becouse people kom to love you.. Love Anorexi girl Sanina from Sweden!”

“i fink u should stop taking the piss outta nicole richie she’s a lovely girl bright bubbly a laugh yea she looks unhealthy u lil pea minded freaks might not of heard of it but its called anorexia or bulimia (an eating disorder) they cant help the way they look and feel about themselves. My mom has an eating disorder i’m 13 and i have 2 take care of her making sure she eats and takes her tablets so think b4 u dis cuz it can hurt bad !”

“k well i think all of u r jellous that she has a body like that.. like who gives a shit its her body let hwe do wut she wantz with it! if she happy with her new look then leave her the hell alone! i think shes gorgeous ne way she looks.. shes nicole richie when does she not look good!? think bout it haha! luvvvvvz it ;) britney*”

Nicole Richie Coverage: Nicole Richie’s Workout, Nicole Richie’s Diet, Comprehensive Nicole Richie Diet Coverage, To the Richies: What the Hell is an Eating Coach?, The Nicole Richie Diet, Most Popular Articles on ChrisAbraham.com, Nicole Richie is Wasting Away Beautifully, The Only Reason I Blog: The Continuing Nicole Richie Saga, Nicole Richie’s Diet Regimen, Who Knows Nicole Richie’s Diet Regimen, LEAVE NICOLE RICHIE ALONE !!!!, Nicole Richie is Just Not Eating is Most Commented Article, I Love Nicole I Want to Look Like Her, Any Suggestions?, Nicole Richie is Just Not Eating

Mark writes, “I decided to celebrate this International Workers’ Day by driving the rover with my family into the remote mountains here in southern Tanzania to a fly-fishing and hunting lodge . . .”

Fraternal Revolutionary greetings to my dear comrades the world over on this May Day, the 30th Anniversary of the Committee for a Workers’ International! by Mark Harrison

Onward in solidarity towards reaffirming the ideas of genuine socialism!

I decided to celebrate this International Workers’ Day by driving the rover with my family into the remote mountains here in southern Tanzania to a fly-fishing and hunting lodge up amongst the highland tea estates to spend the weekend playing lawn tennis and drinking gin and tonics. An absolutely splendid opportunity to manifest our solidarity with the international proletariat with a few invigorating rounds of golf, and a sortie or two of croquet.

The workers at the lodge estate – rather disappointingly for the glory of Socialism but rather fortunately for us – chose not celebrate May Day, they instead chose to report to work, which ensured that our meals were excellent, and that the greens were well trimmed.

The weekend offered my niece and godchild a valuable opportunity to manifest some solidarity and learn the joy of physical labor in that I permitted her to carry my golf clubs (see photo). I will be an excellent father some day.

I also taught her to fly fish – though she failed to catch anything. I intended to give her two educational gifts with our angling outing – one, the pleasure of enjoying the fruits of her labor, and two, the unparalleled joy of living off nature’s bounty – by allowing her to eat for dinner what she caught. In this particular case, of course, nothing. However, the mollycoddling grandparents, in their appallingly undidactic and emotional way, undermined my entire evening fishing trip’s work in that, at dinnertime, she was simply handed a plate of food in whose production she had had no part. I’m sure she was disappointed, though she made an impressively brave effort to put up a very convincing show of enjoying her utterly decontextualized meal. Once things have gone their course, and I have my inheritance firmly in my hand, my godchild will no longer have to suffer such unfortunate assaults to the development of her character. (see fishing photo)

Fortunately for my goddaughter’s education, the weekend started rather differently with some very good opportunities for character-building . The drive up into the mountains is only a hundred miles or so, but it is across bone-jarring, treacherously dangerous, washed-out dirt roads that make the Appalachian trail look like the Disney World monorail. Within minutes of departure, she had nausea and a headache against which to practice fortitude in the face of adversity. After a little over an hour of this hell, her whinging and moaning had decreased to a low embittered mutter, and I was afraid that she had become too rapidly acclimated to the travails of the trip and that the didactic effect would fade long before we arrived at our destination. Fortunately, well out in the middle of the bush endless miles from nowhere, the radiator cap blew off, becoming irretrievably lost, ejecting the coolant in a dramatic geyser of spewing froth and steam, the engine overheated violently, and we came to a grinding halt.

We were traveling with a group of academics – they in another rover – and this breakdown presented us with the chance to have a committee meeting in which everyone could present their completely unqualified, but impressively formulated opinions on how to fix a diesel engine in the middle of the bush with absolutely no tools or materials. The librarian spotted the bottom of a colonial-era soup can rusting on the side of the road and proposed we hammer it into the form of a radiator cap. The committee considered this and tried a few preliminary experiments with the tire iron and concluded that the idea was terrible. By this time, we were up over 6000 feet, and it was a bit chilly which gave my niece something new to build character over. All the Midwestern academics found the biting air invigorating and reminiscent of all the years they spent out in that featureless, culturally devoid hellscape between Pittsburg and Denver. My few memories of the Midwest usually pitch me toward depression, but these folks jabbered on happily about such revolting things as headcheese and ice fishing.

In any case, at some point, the menfolk realized that we each had Swiss Army knives in our pockets, so we decided that we should whittle something to solve our problem. That idea had an incredibly manly, frontiersmanlike quality to it, and the women hadn’t thought of it so we hunted down a well-sized eucalyptus branch and set to carving a cork for the radiator.

The subcommittee of men decided that the best way to hold the newly-whittled stopper in the radiator was to cut it just precisely so long that slamming the hood closed would secure it tightly in place. The women discussed something about the Midwest and my niece whinged about it being cold, which made me happy because this whole Africa experience was finally presenting an experience to toughen her up a bit.

After a bit more discussion in subcommittee, we advanced our stopper design to include a rag around the bottom of the stopper to create a tight seal, and a bunch of rag on top of the stopper to provide a compressible mass that would allow us to push the cork tightly into the radiator, but to do so without doing damage to the radiator by applying too much uncushioned force.

Unfortunately, we had no rags.

Then my mother says, “Hey, no problem, I saw some rags ground down into the road a couple hundred yards back. I’ll go pull them out.”

Now, I’m thinking “WTF?” You see, when the radiator cap blew off, my mother was driving the vehicle. So you have to imagine that we’re pounding along this hellish single track – which in itself requires intense concentration so as to avoid pitching into a gaping pothole or careening off into the bush – the view is 90% obscured by the thick clouds of dust the rovers are kicking up, and the remaining 10% of visibility is ruined by the muddy smear of dirt you create trying to clean the dust off the windshield with your wiper fluid. Now, at the time she saw, identified, and registered the presence and location of a few tattered bits of dirty cloth embedded in the dried mud of the road, she was pounding along at 40 kph and there was radiator fluid and steam spewing out of the car.

To boot, my mom is in those years where she receives Social Security, she wears trifocals, and was relatively recently hospitalized to have surgery on her failing ocular nerves. She has no peripheral vision.

Now, this of course begs the question, “Why the hell was this woman driving the vehicle?” Yes… well, when you live in a country where every mosquito bite is a potential grisly death by malaria, building codes are non-existent, car inspections leave vehicles in a state where they not-unseldomly burst into flame for little or no reason, and genocidal wars in neighboring nations is de rigueur, you get a bit lax about doing your risk-benefit analyses… I don’t know. My mom was holding the car keys when we walked out the front door… so she was driving.

Anyway, so while she didn’t notice that the temperature gauge had climbed into the DANGER zone, and bright red warning lights had turned on, she did notice that a bit of rag was embedded in the road two hundred yards back from where the rover had ground to a halt.

Women are truly amazing. It must have to do with some latent gatherer instinct that’s been unused for thousands of years except when a husband/boyfriend says, “Hun, where are my car keys?” And she’s like, “In the right breast pocket of your suede jacket under the newspaper on top of the large coffee table in the downstairs TV room. Where you left them.” Stunning. I’m truly impressed.

What I hate though, is that I’ve never had a girlfriend who could give such a response without an eye-roll, as if that location of my keys should be obvious to anyone with eyes.

I’m sorry. Women are just built differently. If my half-blind, pensioner mother can pick up the location of a bit of rag ground into the mud while navigating a fuming 4×4 skidding to a halt on a single-track, then my girlfriend can certainly donate the .0000001% of her mental processing power it requires of her to focus her instinct on remembering where each and every one of my possessions are at any given moment. And to do it without the eye-roll, thank you very much.

Anyway, it was grand that my mother registered that bit of cloth. She’s the best. A saint. I’m not sure how the rest of you survive without her as your mom.

So my saint of a mother walked back the road, dug the rag out, came back, and we constructed our composite material stopper. We filled the radiator with our bottled water (a pampered vehicle, to be sure), positioned the cork, slammed the hood and the committee decided that I was going to drive.

My niece was buoyed by the apparent success of the repair and back in good spirits. We all got in the car, I turned the key and… nothing. Well, not exactly nothing. A pitiful, quiet whine from some warning thing, and a risibly weak chug from the engine and the battery was dead.

No problem, we have two vehicles – one working. We’ll just jump it.

Wrong, no cables. Again, another opportunity for my niece to slip into despair and to notice that she was now very hungry. The Midwesterners all seemed to be enjoying this, since it somehow reminded them of their hardscrabble, working-class upbringings in Indiana or Minnesota or wherever and old Model T’s and such tripe.

We were on a slight grade, so it was decided that everyone would push, and we would roll-start the car. Now at the decision of the committee, the one person past puberty and not qualified to receive Medicare – i.e., me – is chosen to sit in the driver’s seat, while the crew of retirees and their cast of physical ailments, and a little girl get behind the rover to push it. I, strapping young man, decades from the onset of senility, doubt the wisdom of this committee decision, but who am I to questions such a large mass of aged wisdom? I get behind the wheel, and they start to push.

Now, I’ve roll-started this vehicle in our 40-foot long driveway – in reverse. The slope of our driveway is about that of a handicap access ramp at a convalescent home. You don’t need much speed to start this car.

The team of seven gets pushing and we’re going about as fast as you do in the drive-thru line at Taco Bell at lunch hour. We’re very slowly using up the bit of downward grade we’ve got left, approaching the bottom and end of our opportunity. I’m thinking, “We gotta go faster”. But how do I, 30-something guy, sitting at the wheel of a rover being pushed along a dirt track in the middle of the African bush by a group of retirees find the gall to stick my head out the window and yell. “Faster, you guys!”? Answer? I don’t.

One by one, they drop off and from their various wheezing stopping points yell some suggestions about why don’t I start the damn car… by this time, I’m going maybe 3 miles per hour and the last retiree, a healthy 65 year-old former judge from that vigorous, outdoorsy state of Washington begins to very slowly distance himself in my rearview mirror, yelling his starting suggestions. I pop the clutch, the wheels stop dead, and the rover skids to a halt in yet another cloud of dust.

Now I’m 100 yards down the road, it’s uphill in both directions, we have no jumper cables, no tow rope, and we’re in the middle of the freaking African bush. I get out of the car, and walk back up toward the reconvened committee meeting which has already started.

Still, I’m in good spirits. I’m thinking, “This is a great experience for my niece! Maybe we’ll get stuck out here and she’ll have a real Africa experience, like that time when I was a kid and the drunk soldiers in Liberia were going to execute me at that checkpoint!” I think things like that at an early age do wonders for character development. I’m completely convinced that it’s those types of mildly traumatic experiences at an age where you have no sense of mortality that give you the perspective and attitude necessary to truly enjoy the rest of life. I credit all those somewhat unpleasant experiences in my youth that I survived by the skin of my teeth with being the reasons why I am such a smashing human being.

So I’m walking back to the committee meeting with visions of toughing it out, teaching my niece how to purify water with a bit of cloth, a plastic bottle, and six hours of sunshine, or perhaps a really dangerous ride hanging onto the back of a lumber truck, or something of the sort. Something to get her to think about something other than what kind of dolphin-motif curtain she’s going to get for her bedroom when she gets back to States in the fall. Something to toughen her up inoculate her against becoming an airhead mall rat.

Then, out of the blue, a sparkling-new Land Cruiser roars by me and slides to a halt at the committee meeting. The doors spring open and out jump two tanned, sexagenarian Great White Hunter guys decked out in pith helmets and khaki short shorts. I can’t believe my freaking eyes.

The short shorts safari gents turn out to be old colonialists who came from Great Britain as children 50 years ago and still live up amongst the old colonial tea plantations, studying exotic butterflies. I’m stunned. It’s like Halloween in Chelsea.

One is a tall, still-brutally-handsome Sir Anthony Quayle type with the accent and mannerisms that make you not want him anywhere near your girlfriend. And he can probably cook, too.

His long-time companion is a petite man with a bitchy expression who makes catty comments about his partner’s fading hearing.

The safari lepiologists announce gallantly that they are returning to their estate to fetch jumper cables and a tow rope, and that they will be back forthwith! They roar back off in a cloud of dust. The womenfolk swoon. We menfolk try to change the subject to something about backcountry road construction techniques.

In a half an hour, the short short safari men are back with jumper cables, their Land Cruiser humming virilely, our rover reanimates with this automotive Kiss of Life, they give us their tow-rope just in case, and we all drive off towards our destinations.

The rest of the weekend passed affably except for an evening when we watched this awful flick, “The Snows of Kilimanjaro”, in which Gregory Peck and Ava Gardner take two hours proving that a Hemmingway story can really suck. Not only was the acting unbearable, and the story painfully boring, self-indulgent, and astoundingly stupid; the oblivious racism was stunning even for its time and the Swahili they had the “natives” speak more often than not laughably and unforgivably had nothing to do with the rest of the script.

Gregory Peck (lying on a chaise lounge at the base of Kilimanjaro, in a safari camp, dying of gangrene from a cut on his leg): Mke wapi?! (Translation: “Wife where?!”)

Dark Servant Guy Incomprehensibly Wearing Fez: Alikwenda kupika nyama, bwana (Translation: “She went to cook meat, sir.”)

Gregory Peck: So, she went hunting impala…

AAAAAAAGH!!!

DIE GREGORY! DIE!

After that scene I drank a bunch of beer and went to play snooker with the retired judge who also didn’t have the fortitude to stand any more of the movie. I’m impressed that the rest of the crew was able to watch to the end – but then, their hearing is going and they don’t see so well at night, so perhaps it wasn’t as painful for them.

My niece said the movie stunk. I’m thrilled she showed some character growth this weekend.

In a country that is constantly moving to the right, why do American drivers insist on camping in the passing lane so far to the left?

I will not go into it right now but my only real pet peeve is when drivers camp in the passing lane. Driving down here to Chapel Hill from DC, I have been relegated to doing what I have been doing for years but is illegal and unsafe, which is to use the underpopulated slow traffic lane as a passing lane. This would be ideal if we were in England where the far right lane is in fact the passing lane, but here in America, the left lane of a multi-lane motorway is for passing.

Larry Nolan calls these people “lane monitors.”

When I can actually pass on the left, the moment I pass, I signal and merge in with traffic, which is to say the next lane over. The left lane is not a traffic lane with the exception of the left turn exit.

This is done by indicating a left using the left turn signal while approaching the camper in the left lane. Invariably, this results in the camper merging right, allowing the flow of traffic to remain constant and safe.

The current American system doesn’t work, which is to say flashing the brights.

The only thing that does work but which is amazingly dangerous and I don’t recommend it, is bearing down on the camper and riding his bumper. This generally does one or both of two things:

2) Eventually makes him merge right, especially when you are driving a Very Tall Land Rover with a 2″ lift thanks to Old Man Emu shocks. In most cases, the drenching of light shakes the driver out of his diet soda haze, out of his DVD-watching, and out of his fiddling with the radio.

Sadly, both tactics work elegantly. But both are exceedingly illegal and unsafe. Generally behaving in this way results in scaring old ladies off the expressway, but it also results in making a lot of drivers indignant. Most lane monitors are indignant because they in fact truly believe that they are being mindful and lawful citizens.

But, all I can say is live free and drive.

Mind you, I am still considering what the solution may be. Any suggestions?