From my mom . . . “The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.”

“The new element has been named Governmentium. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s Mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium…an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.”

This is where Shmuly Tennenhaus, YouTube celebrity and G-d, just walks right into the Seattle Post-Intelligencer in order to offer them breaking news exclusive: Shmuly Tennenhaus (oneparkave on YouTube) has broken 100 video clips! See as Shmuly saunters in, visits a winking, cheeky, Joe-football, Casey, and then walks over to cute little Monica Guzman, taps her on the shoulder, spooks her, and then tells her her mom is totally hot. It is priceless — social engineering, punking, playing, and making fun of them to their faces. By the way, Shmuly is no fool, this is all an act. So amazing. Five minutes in, her gets escorted out by an old codger, Don Smith, with a beard. Very amusing indeed!

Mark mocked my new company-imposed confidentiality notice email signature to wit:

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The contents of this e-mail and any attachments are utterly unimportant and I could give a flying fuck if they were read by the entire population of southeast Asia. I cannot conceive of anything that could possibly be wrong with the use, copying, disclosure, or distribution of the contents of this e-mail and thus have no issues with anyone doing so. If you are not the intended recipient, please notify the sender immediately and send me something nice from Niva Chocolates.

Here is the original:

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The contents of this e-mail and any attachments are intended solely for the use of the named addressee(s) and may contain confidential and/or privileged information. Any unauthorized use, copying, disclosure, or distribution of the contents of this e-mail is strictly prohibited by the sender and may be unlawful. If you are not the intended recipient, please notify the sender immediately and delete this e-mail.

Ian Frazier may be the most brilliant man living or dead, “of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.”

Laws Concerning Food and Drink; Household Principles; Lamentations of the Father by Ian Frazier

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room. Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink.

But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.

Laws When at Table

And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke. Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away. When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck; for you will be sent away.

When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you. Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is. And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why. Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

Laws Pertaining to Dessert

For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert. But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert. But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof. And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.

On Screaming

Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault. Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you, and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even now I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat of it myself, yet do not die.

Concerning Face and Hands

Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon. And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see. Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.

Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances

Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, nor against any building; nor eat sand.

Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not that humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.

Complaints and Lamentations

O my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell you what you must do, you argue and dispute hotly even to the littlest detail; and when I do not accede, you cry out, and hit and kick. Yes, and even sometimes do you spit, and shout “stupid-head” and other blasphemies, and hit and kick the wall and the molding thereof when you are sent to the corner. And though the law teaches that no one shall be sent to the corner for more minutes than he has years of age, yet I would leave you there all day, so mighty am I in anger. But upon being sent to the corner you ask straightaway, “Can I come out?” and I reply, “No, you may not come out.” And again you ask, and again I give the same reply. But when you ask again a third time, then you may come out.

Hear me, O my children, for the bills they kill me. I pay and pay again, even to the twelfth time in a year, and yet again they mount higher than before. For our health, that we may be covered, I give six hundred and twenty talents twelve times in a year; but even this covers not the fifteen hundred deductible for each member of the family within a calendar year. And yet for ordinary visits we still are not covered, nor for many medicines, nor for the teeth within our mouths. Guess not at what rage is in my mind, for surely you cannot know.

For I will come to you at the first of the month and at the fifteenth of the month with the bills and a great whining and moan. And when the month of taxes comes, I will decry the wrong and unfairness of it, and mourn with wine and ashtrays, and rend my receipts. And you shall remember that I am that I am: before, after, and until you are twenty-one. Hear me then, and avoid me in my wrath, O children of me.

If you are well-read, well-educated, and have an IQ well above 130, then you will enjoy The Art of Literary Humor on Word for Word, “Author and former staff writer for ‘The New Yorker’ magazine, Ian Frazier, has made a career of honing in on those details that others might easily overlook. Some of his work is memoir, but much of it is actually reporting — starting with a kernel of reality but just about always including a sense of the absurd. Ian Frazier’s latest collection of essays is titled “Gone to New York.” He discusses the craft of writing and the art of humor in a May, 2006 performance at St. Paul’s Fitzgerald Theatre.” Brilliance. In fact, each vignette is funnier than the last.

See for yourself at the number one Manatee porn site, Hornymanatee.com

Here is another joke forwarded to me from my mum, an Irish brunette. This is a smart blonde joke because there’s only one thing funnier than a blonde and that is a man.

The Blonde and the attorney

An attorney and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The attorney asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The attorney persists. He explains how the game works..

“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.”

Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The attorney figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easilyed win the match, so he makes another offer.

“If you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.”

The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, so she agrees.

The attorney asks, “What’s the distance from the Earth to the moon?”

The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the attorney.

Then she asks the attorney, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The attorney is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends emails to his co-workers and friends. No luck. After an hour, he gives up.

He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00. The blonde politely takes the $500.00 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The attorney, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the attorney $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Enjoy the Irish joke as forwarded from my Irish mum…

A WEE BIT OF IRISH HUMOR…

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. “Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff….dad….I became a prostitute….”

“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”

“OK, dad — as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a membership to the country club…. (takes a breath! )….and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the French Riviera, and…..”

“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says dad.

Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff….a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.”

“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant’. Come here and give yer old man a hug!”

I have been trying to rally all of my smart friends to get involved in my network at LinkedIn. John is hypersmart but also one of those karate hipsters with the cool British wife kind of guy. You know the type. He runs Bonkworld with said wife.

From Mr. John Schoneboom of Bonkworld:

Chris,

Well, you know, I’m surprised I’m not already “Linked In” also, me being such a business social networky type of guy and all. It’s a real shocker, I’ll grant you that. You’ve got me pegged there.

I’ll get right on it, as soon as I’m done e-shmoozing at this i-cocktail party thing I have to virtually attend to zap out my b-cards to the electronic colleagues who comprise my current social network or “S-Net”. They’re industry folks. I love industry folks. There are nearly 500 of them in my S-Net, which puts me in the top 20 of my V-Group, but I’m hoping to use even larger numbers in the future.

cheers,
John

Here was my sweet and loving request to him:

John,

I have amazing luck on LinkedIn. Periodically, I go through my contacts to see if there’s anyone who might especially appreciate and value LinkedIn, which is a business social network, enough to consider joining.

I thought of you.

And, to tell you the truth, I am surprised you’re not already on. So, if you’re already on LinkedIn but not at this email, sorry about that; otherwise, I invite you to join my network of nearly 500 industry folks.

So, please be my guest.

Cheers,

Chris

Bastard!

Borat is the funniest and Sacha Baron Cohen is a genius, but after seeing it on the silver screen last night, I have to recommend consuming Borat where he deserves to be consumed: Google Video.

The amusing and abusive cultural lens through which we see Borat‘s view of England and America does better in shorts than it does shoehorned between the flabby folds of a really contrived plotline.

The Borat movie is fucking lame in comparison with Google Video’s Borat collection. See it. Also, make sure you also catch all the Ali G shit, too.

Before I proceed, let me publicly state that Borat (and the current White House) proves to me, without at doubt, that the United States of America — and we Americans — is finally safely past being politically correct. Thank God!

I know why real Americans hate us, us being the smug intellectuals who live on the East and West coast. Only rednecks are allowed to use the R word.

(Oh, and America is anti-intellectual and anti-rational, just in case you hadn’t already noticed.)

I have been following Borat reviews closely. I have been consuming Borat skits on Google Video and YouTube for “years” now. Brilliant. After reading the Borat review in yesterday’s NY Times, I can easily show you why real Americans hate the East Coast, New York, New Yorkers, and the New York Times:

“The Anti-Defamation League, for one, has chided him, warning that some people may not be in on the joke. . . some people are definitely not in on the joke, though only because some people are too stupid and too racist to understand that the joke is on them.”

Patronizing, smug, and condescending and amazingly “John Kerry” in tone.

I fancy myself sophisticated and old-soul. I grew up in Hawaii. In Hawaii, everybody is always making fun of each other based on race and country-of-origin. I love this stuff. That said, anti-semitic jokes really make me uncomfortable.

If you make fun of dumb, racist, hicks, is that being anti-semantic?

I am going to see Borat tonight, if I can get tickets. I am in on the joke. Or, am I? Probably not. I have been called a dumbass, a moron, and thick, before, that’s for sure.

We would all love to think we’re in on the joke. That the joke isn’t on us. That said, I guarantee that this movie is going to make King Solomon coin, the majority of which will be forked over by the dumb, provincial, racist, pigs about whom Manohla Dargis and John Kerry spoke. They won’t think the movie is about them, either.

Here’s a little bit about the man behind Borat, Sacha Baron Cohen, from the Guardian:

Baron Cohen was born in north London in 1971, one of three brothers in a close-knit Jewish family. He was educated at Haberdashers’ Aske’s, the private school that has produced a wealth of comedic talent, including Matt Lucas and David Baddiel. He read history at Cambridge and wrote his thesis on the role of Jews in the US civil rights movement, and has been recalled as quiet, friendly and studious, but not exceptional.

After university he set up a comedy club with his elder brother before moving into cable TV. In 1998 he came to the attention of the producers of Channel 4′s 11 O’ Clock Show. He had already perfected Borat, but it was as Ali G, the semantically-challenged, shell-suited, voice-of-yoof from Staines that Baron Cohen first took the UK by storm.

The secret to the comic’s success, says Andrew Newman, is that he inhabits any role he takes on. “He is a funny actor, but more than that he becomes the characters he’s playing, certainly with Ali G and Borat and Bruno. He sort of has a mix of Peter Sellers’s acting and Rod Hull sort of bottle. He can just look someone in the eye and say, ‘is it ‘cos I is black,’ even though he is quite obviously not Ali G and he is quite obviously not black. He has a psychotic ability to play these characters, a fantastic confidence and ability … there is also a mix of quite clever satire and just funny cock jokes. He is able to mix things on a different level. He is able to be at once clever and very stupid.”

Sacha Baron Cohen may well be brighter than his cousin, Simon Baron-Cohen, “University of Cambridge Professor of Developmental Psychopathology.”

The Financial Times, my fave paper, compares Sacha Baron Cohen to Swift, “. . . racism’s idiocy is exposed not with a palavering preachiness but with the lethal satiric literalism Swift perfected when he proposed – so modestly – his recipes for cooking unwanted children?”

Today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day and it be very important for everyone in t’ world t’ speak like a pirate today, for t’ entire day. If you be way too well educated and bred t’ even know how t’ speak like a pirate, then you can use t’ handy English-to-Pirate translator like I did here. Have a great day and be aye t’ give a pirate a hug.

Via Emily by way of the Gothamist by way of Sesame Street!

“Holy moly. You actually did many many dates in a week, many with experiencing sexual availability?” Via the comments section of My Experience with Match.com.

Here is the comment in full: “Holy moly. You actually did many many dates in a week, many with experiencing sexual availability? You must be one of those cute predator types that looks for desperate women. No wonder you had a lousy experience. Most of the people I know go the route of exchanging more than a couple of emails, getting a sense of the other person, having a platonic coffee/lunch, after which they decide via email whether to go out again.”

There is great wisdom in this comment, my friends.

I am not worthy of such gifts!

“Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.” Via fuckthesouth.com