Two of my friends were in yesterday’s NY Post: Rachel Greenwald and Lori Gottlieb, both smart women who write amazing books on the who, what, when, where, why, and how of being a smart single woman — and advice on how to best become a smart married woman. Check out Dating for dummies. For me, the best line from the article is:
When Greenwald asked one of her male research subjects how he decides whether to ask for a second date, he replied, “I guess I ask myself, ‘Is she someone who will make my life more enjoyable or more difficult?’ ”
That’s what I ask myself: will this relationship make my life nicer and more pleasant or will will it make my life a sucking time sink from hell? My life is so busy and so fulfilling as is that I really am looking for someone to make it even better, more fun, more passionate, and more attractive.
Dating for dummies By Mandy Stadtmiller
Yes, ladies, ’tis a peak time of year for men to pop the question. So if the regifting list and that new overpriced gym membership haven’t gotten you crazy enough, there’s also that whole Figuring Out Your Entire Romantic Livelihood Situation.
But don’t worry your pretty little head, singleton. It’s not like Valentine’s Day is right around the corner or anything. Oh, wait.
No worries — The Post is here to encapsulate a whole bookstore’s worth of “Why Men Marry Bitches: Naughty Aughties Edition.” In addition to whatever incarnation of ho-ho-he’s-just-not-that-into-you was passive-aggressively gifted to you this year, we’ll provide solace if “Want to spend the rest of your life with me?” doesn’t get asked in between “Auld Lang Syne” and “Yeah, maybe that open relationship wasn’t such a good idea.”
But how to choose between the wisdom of all the dating books on the market?
“My feeling is that most of them are really the same,” reveals Sarah Gold, senior reviews editor at Publishers Weekly. “There’s so many that are just kind of a positivistic, ‘feel good about yourself and the world and good things will happen to you’ vibe. Then there are other ones that are down-to-earth and realistic tough love. There’s even one coming out called ‘Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.’ ”
Yes, from “You go, girl” to “You settle, girl,” the author of the new “Marry Him” tome, unmarried 42-year-old Lori Gottlieb, says, “So many of these are empowerment books: ‘You’re so fabulous.’ My book is saying, ‘Look, I am the ghost of what you could become if you don’t change your approach.’ It’s like a dating public-service announcement.” Indeed, the more you know . . .
1. The book: “Why He Didn’t Call You Back,” Rachel Greenwald
Critical passage: When Greenwald asked one of her male research subjects how he decides whether to ask for a second date, he replied, “I guess I ask myself, ‘Is she someone who will make my life more enjoyable or more difficult?’ ”
The message being? “Everything on a first date becomes a metaphor.” So don’t be “The Boss Lady” who you’d rather hire than date.
2. The book: “How to Shop for a Husband,” Janice Lieberman
Critical passage: “Dating on the Web is no longer considered slightly unsavory, and it is certainly no longer a newfangled trend . . . Americans are estimated to spend around half-a-billion dollars a year on Internet dating.”
The message being? “So just get over it. Dating is a numbers game.”
3. The book: “Prince Harming Syndrome,” Karen Salmansohn
Critical passage: “Do you really prefer to place a higher value on a guy’s superficial aspects (his sexiness, funniness, smartness, wealthiness)? If so, then there is a big danger you will wind up involved with a guy who’s rude, angry, dishonest, disloyal, hurtful, selfish! As a result, all of his inner bad qualities will make you feel unhappy, insecure, unsafe just plain frazzled.”
The message being? “I used to look at a cute, funny, charismatic guy and think: ‘Yum, Yum! I want him!’ . . . Now I look at loving, happy couples . . . and think: ‘Yum, Yum! I want that!’ ”
4. The book: “Crash Course in Love,” Steve Ward and JoAnn Ward
Critical passage: “This is what I call the Michael Jordan rule: You will miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take. If you take a shot with a guy, at least you stand a chance of making it, but if you don’t even bother, you are guaranteed not to find love.”
The message being? “Stay open, receptive, and interested. The minute you shut down, put up your guard, and disconnect, he will, too . . . Don’t dismiss him.”
5. The book: “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough,” Lori Gottlieb
Critical passage: The e-mail exchange between Melanie, a never-married woman, and Gottlieb’s friend Mark, a divorced dad. In deciding plans, Melanie asks about meeting with Mark the next day. Later in the evening, Mark does confirm. But because he waited almost 12 hours, she replies: “I’ve lost interest. You are dismissed.” It’s a painful insight into what female “I won’t settle!” inflexibility looks like from the male perspective.
The message being? As she relates in one story about another girlfriend who whines about never finding the right guy, her friend asks (about the fiancée of a man she covets): “What does she have that I don’t?” The enlightening reply? “Two things. One: compassion. And two: his love.”
mstadtmiller@nypost.com
The new year means three things: shopping, resolutions and — for many — a marriage proposal.
