According to an online quiz on Details, “Are Your That Guy,” I am totally that guy: a total douchebag, apparently.
1 You initiate fist bumps.
Yes
No
Someone told me that high-fives are passe so I have replaced them with bumps and regular, manly, handshakes.
2 You order foreign dishes in an accent.
Yes
No
I ask for foreign dishes, yes, properly. If the dish is French then I order it in French and if it is Mexican, I pronounce it in Spanish. And in Germany, I sort of need to order it in German. If you do it right, you don’t really draw much attention to yourself.
3 You shave your head at the first sign of balding.
Yes
No
I would totally either shave my head or crop it close if I started balding.
4 You use any word Stephen Colbert invented.
Yes
No
I use as many words as I can remember if they were coined by Stephen Colbert.
5 You have an elaborate bedtime ritual on planes—with neck pillow, sleep mask, and noise-canceling headphones.
Yes
No
People with sleeping rituals of any kind need to lose their guy card immediately.
6 You have a downloaded ring tone.
Yes
No
I am quite amused with classic, normal, default ringtones; however, I really enjoyed sporting the “bring out your dead” skit from Monty Python.
7 You wave someone along even though they have the right of way.
Yes
No
I think I have forgotten who actually does have right-of-way at 4-way intersections, so if I feel like I arrived a millisecond later than another, I will wave and wave.
8 You say the name of the town where your Ivy League alma mater is located instead of the name of the school.
Yes
No
If I had actually gone to an Ivy League school, I would totally say New Haven or Boston or wherever.
9 You own a Manchester United jersey.
Yes
No
No, I am afraid not. I almost bought a Norwich Canaries jersey but decided not to.
10 You quote Borat, Zoolander, or Anchorman, or reference “TPS reports” and “pieces of flair.”
Yes
No
I don’t have the best memory for these things but I made a Zoolander reference just the other day — a Blue Steel reference.
11 You put your BlackBerry on the table when you sit down at a restaurant.
Yes
No
Yes. In fact, all of my friends deBerry and dePhone the moment we sit down for food — not to show off but because I always have too much shit in my pockets.
12 You talk baby talk to your girlfriend on your office phone.
Yes
No
I don’t have a girlfriend presently but all indicators point to “yes.”
13 You offer to buy a cigarette from people outside bars.
Yes
No
No, I have too much of a problem with entitlement — I would never offer to buy.
14 You order “off-menu.”
Yes
No
Food isn’t really my bag and restaurant-going isn’t my bag, and I am pretty much omnivorous, so, like a diesel, I can run on anything.
15 You own a reptile.
Yes
No
Spike, God rest your little soul
16 You say “My bad.”
Yes
No
I hate that I say this. My bad.
17 You describe your relationship status by saying “It’s complicated.”
Yes
No
With me, it always is.
18 You say “We’re pregnant.”
Yes
No
I would love to say this — I will totally be that guy, if that guy says, “we’re pregnant.”
19 You have destination-related car stickers like MV, NTK, PVT, HMP, or NPT.
Yes
No
I might actually get myself a vanity plate. I never have, yet, but I aspire to.
20 You make a show out of tasting wine.
Yes
No
I tried to make a point of being fussy over coffee and cheese, but what’s the use.
21 You preface statements with “spoiler alert.”
Yes
No
I am Mr. Online and have been beaten down by spoiling, so I have learned my lesson.
22 You don’t wash last night’s admission stamp off your hand.
Yes
No
I am not likely to scrub off the thing. Does that mean I am preserve it or am I just dirty?
23 You use abbreviations like TBD, ASAP, and BFD in conversation and sign off e-mails with “thx” or “cheers.”
Yes
No
I have been signing emails with “Cheers, Chris” forever.
24 You wear flip-flops, Croakies, Crocs, or board shorts in the city.
Yes
No
My only excuse here is that I grew up in Hawaii and I never used to wear flip-flops (rubber slippers) in the city until it because ubiquitous.
25 You have a nighttime wardrobe that includes a going-out shirt, concert merchandise, or limited-edition sneakers you bought in Tokyo.
Yes
No
I pretty much wear a uniform, no matter what the situation. I have “dressed up” and “dressed down” and “dressed up with jacked.”
26 You say “I need my Starbucks.”
Yes
No
It might sound a little prissy until I tell you that most of the coffee you drink, especially from Dunkin’ Donuts, is really a lot lot worse than Starbucks. You may think Starbuck’s coffee is “burnt” but the truth is, you just have poor taste in coffee. You’re decidedly “truck stop” class.
27 You refer to the woman you’re casually hooking up with as a “friend with benefits.”
Yes
No
28 You pretend not to know who Spencer Pratt is.
Yes
No
I actually don’t know who Spencer Pratt. How do I answer? Yes or no?
29 You offer advice to women on their “form” at the gym.
Yes
No
30 You call friends and colleagues by their last names.
Yes
No
I call David Gelles “Gelles” — but one is enough. I should start colling Andrew Curry, “Curry,” but I don’t.
31 You refer to a date/girlfriend’s having done some “print work.”
Yes
No
I am not much of a modelizer.
32 You describe anything good as “sick.”
Yes
No
I have referred to things as “sweet,” — where does that fall?
33 You refer to your wife as “the ol’ ball and chain” and say “I’ll take the request to management.”
Yes
No
I might never refer to my wife as my wife. She is “Stephanie” or “Michelle.”
34 You refer to a trip to the gym as a “legs day.”
Yes
No
35 You go to a show to see the opening band.
Yes
No
If I like the opening band, I go to a show for the opening band.
36 You think Hayden Panettiere is hot.
Yes
No
As a huge Heroes fan, who in the hell wouldn’t think that Hayden Panettiere is hot?
37 You put your kid in a Che Guevara T-shirt.
Yes
No
I love Che.
38 You include the names of your kids and pets in your home outgoing message.
Yes
No
I would, the moment I can find a woman who might be willing to breed with me.
39 You refer to money as “Benjamins,” “dead presidents,” “ducats,” or “coin.”
Yes
No
I like to be as colloquial as possible when it comes to coin.
40 You bitch about your contractor at parties.
Yes
No
I totally bitch about my contractors, who are actually employees! Not a lot of bitch about these days — they’re a well-oiled machine, yo.
41 You talk about a record “dropping.”
Yes
No
I am actually old enough to remember when you would stack records on a record player and they would drop down, get played, and then another would drop, and it would be played, too. The “record” version of a multi-CD player.
42 You half-tuck your shirt.
Yes
No
I think the half-tucked shirts look cool but I am not cool enough to pull it off.
43 You have a goatee.
Yes
No
I am either clean-shaven or I have a beard — sometimes, just scruff. Never a goatee. Back in the day, though, my girlfriend Michelle demanded her beoyfriends have goatees (what’s up with that) and I complied.
44 You refer to anything as “small-batch” or “artisanal.”
Yes
No
Like I mentioned before, I was well into cheeses and into hams and into other foodie things and I was very much into getting as many whole milk cheeses as possible. And, when you want to get whole milk goat cheese of and elite quality, you need to go “artisanal.”
45 You refer to any last-stop bar as “the 19th hole.”
Yes
No
I refer to as many things as possible as “the 19th hole.”
46 You’re a Caucasian with a tattoo in Asian lettering.
Yes
No
Tatoos appal me.
47 You Evite.
Yes
No
I have Evited people for years and year by now. I love it.
48 You own a wine Rabbit.
Yes
No
I am a huge fan of the very basic “Waiter’s Friend” or the Laguiole knife/wine opener.
49 You proselytize about carbon footprints.
Yes
No
I am very anti-climate change hypocrisy.
50 You name your kid after a character in To Kill a Mockingbird.
Yes
No
My son or daughter will surely be named after some character or actor. I am a huge film-lover and also have a degree in American Literature with a minor in creative writing. It is bound to happen.
51 You use the phrase flyover states.
Yes
No
52 You use the word bicoastal.
Yes
No
Yes, but when I use the term bicoastal, I mean American and Europe; Washington, DC, and Berlin, Germany. Bicontinental, I guess.
53 You pretend to like country music.
Yes
No
I actually do love country music, especially bluegrass.
54 You wear DJ headphones.
Yes
No
Nope. Just simple buds.
55 You use a Bluetooth headset.
Yes
No
I drive in Washington, DC, and do most of my conference calls enroute. I own two bluetooth headsets: a Motorola and a Jawbone.
56 You call muscle groups by shortened versions of their technical names, like “lats,” “traps,” and “pecs.”
Yes
No
I used to be a wrestler and also a college rower, so you sort of just do call them traps, quads, lats, pec, etc.
