Chris Abraham

I stumbled upon your site while doing a google search. It was a topic on a similar subject from last March where you and Natalie were sparring over first date sex. Below is what I would have posted to the thread if I had seen at the time:

On the topic of short term thinking;

I was once thought of the short term seduction game as fun. I thought there was nothing wrong with such behavior. I had had ten girls by the time I left High School, entered a 5 year relationship. By the time that ended I was up 18 and done with college. By the time I met my wife I had had another 4 year relationship and was at 40 some- by the time I married her I was over 50. Only 6 were one night stands. When I was still in college I developed my idea of the “skanky men, skanky women” routine of most night clubs, wherein the participants all get each other to believe their lies and other BS for the sole point of acting like a pair spaniels in heat.

Quite a player, huh? Well, the thing is is that when I was 22 I dated a woman 6 years older then me- who stressed that two people had to be friends first- if they could stand each other’s company for enough time to become friends, then they could have sex (perhaps actually make love?) and have something to talk about the next day- or next week. If a relationship developed from there, it was based upon genuine friendship, not lust and had the chance of surviving.

She was right. Because I became good friends with my wife before we had sex (6 weeks, but she says two months) our friendship weathered, off an on, through two years of not being together as a true couple- but the friendship continued to grow, and so did my love for her. In the 4th year, we married.

She was “seeing” someone else when I met her at the age of 27 (she 25). Like others I had known, it took me a month or so to get him out of the picture. She didn’t get it- she thought I didn’t want her, only wanted friendship. It took two women 20 odd years older then her to explain it to her- she had never been courted. They told her how romantic it was- right down to the small inconsequential gift I bought for her as we walked after the first dinner date- that it was meant to be a memento and that should it work out long term, she would have that as a memory forever. That’s when she dumped the “other guy” without ever looking back.

In the twenty years I’ve known her our sex could never be said to have been boring, nor has it lacked the punch of passion or genuine desire- that’s what real love and real understanding brings to a relationship- genuine desire. Desire is very different then lust and anyone who has experienced it knows that.

What I’m talking about here is maturity, sexual and emotional maturity. I was/am the guy who could and did say “no” far more then I ever said yes. It never mattered to me what a girl’s/woman’s past was- all that mattered to me was if we connected up stairs (well, her looks as well) and whether that could translate to the bedroom- at the right time. Do I/ did I have a low sex drive? Hardly. When in love, three times a day was my “normal” appetite- and I was never a 20 minute man. Today, after 20 years of knowing her, four children- one of whom died, I still get hard when I look into her eyes, feel her touch or smell her. The sound of her voice when she feels sad brings forth my sense of love and devotion to her- just as her laughter makes me feel proud to be hers, and that she is mine. How many times a week? That depends, but it always is at least 5. You know what else? I can remember each and every time we conceived one of those four children. And that, children, is priceless.