Chris Abraham

Every ten months or so, Maureen Dowd pitches a fit. And its always a rehash of the same jagged little pill: “the more successful the woman, the less likely it is she will find a husband or bear a child. For men, the reverse is true.”

Yes, we know, we know. And it just isn’t fair. Call it karma.

You, Maureen, are incapable of intimacy, incapable of compromise, incapable of acceptance, and incapable of weathering adversity. You, Maureen, are incapable of maintaining the vows of marriage — not because you cannot but because you refuse to out of indignant rage! You both want to participate in the Sacrament of holy matrimony while still holding onto your ego, while still not willing to relinquish yourself to your partner, to your husband, to your friend, to your spouse! We men are not too dumb to realize that we’re an extension of your “life’s goals” list rather than something your heart really wants. If she can have it, why can’t I? Why can’t I have it all.

It is always easier to blame someone else rather than yourself. It is always easier to blame a cultural rift or lack — or even an entire gender — than it is to blame yourself.

Consider it payback for the devil may care attitude you bandied about during your twenties when you could have really spent some time investing in relationships, investing in developing your emotional maturity, in working on yourself as a person, as a woman, as a human, and as someone who might at one point be judged not only for how smart, how successful, or how rich you are but rather for how suitable you are as a partner.

You, Maureen Dowd, are not entitled to marriage, a husband, or children through wedlock. You, Maureen Dowd, cannot just will any of this into being. Marriage is not something you can interview yourself into and your success in business, your success in the stock market, you success with money, networking, or even therapy is not an indicator as to how marriageable you are or how fit you are to be a mother or a spouse.

And you certainly cannot use bitterness and righteous indignance to fuel yourself down the aisle and into “the man you deserve’s” arms if he doesn’t want you. And he doesn’t want you because he is intimidated by your success or he is turned off by your age or your wealth or your equality. You, Maureen Dowd, are hot and funny and coy and have amazing legs! Its actually because you are only half-hearted, you are preoccupied, you are not committed, and because after reading this article, you are a harpy, a shrew!

In your teens and twenties, Maureen Dowd, you surely tortured us when we really wanted to marry you. Sure, you gave us quite a lot of sex and for that we are grateful; but a mistress does not a wife make. In our twenties, we men surely had the patience and the energy to work through all of the immaturity and the emotional abyss. We’re men, we are very slow to mature. But no, you manipulated us and made us watch as you upgraded from student to associate, from associate to partner, and from partner to CEO.

By the time we are 35, we are sure of who we are, of what we want, and are far less interested in games, in drama, in pissing about, or in wasting our time. In short, we’re tired of your shit.

At least in DC, 35 means we are ready to settle down and get married and start a family. To be honest, in our thirties, we are dating women in their twenties. Know why? No, not because they’re younger or more beautiful — that is rarely the case — but because women in their twenties are more hopeful, more romantic, more curious, and more impressed by the experiences, the successes, and the creature comforts we have. They think we’re cool, we’re exciting, and we’ve arrived.

And although we don’t have control over who marries us, we do have absolute control over who we marry. And that’s just the way it is.

Life isn’t fair.