I just received an email from my close personal friend Faust Hewitt Jiminez that began with, “I got some dumb broad arrested last night.”
‘There I was, at just before midnight, taking a leisurely ride on my bike around DC. I had originally gone to 7-11 for a vitamin water, and then decided to go a bit further. I’m heading down 14th towards downtown and right on V St. I see a crack-whoreish woman throwing beer bottles and garbage cans at parked automobiles along the street. My curiosity compels me to go closer and flip up my helmet so I can hear the goings on. She is pissed about something, I surmised through her actions and banshee-like profanity. Since I prefer to avoid conflict, I watched for a minute and then drove away.’
‘Waitaminute. I love conflict.’
‘I parked at the corner and called 911. As I waited, a secret service uniformed division squad car drove past. I flagged them and pointed down the street. That is all that was necessary as she was standing in the middle, with a rubbish bin held on high, as though passed down from God. I felt an utter sense of glee.’
‘The cops asked me to stay on the corner, presumably for a witness report. As though I were going to leave. It did flash through my head for a moment that my drivers license makes clear that I have no motorcycle license, but I figured that would be of no consequence. The woman tried walking away from the cop, as two more district police cars arrived, lights and sirens. She began to run up 14th. She made it about 10 steps before a cop grabbed her arm. Either she is a pro basketball player or a liberal protestor, because the moment the cop grazed her arm with his, she fell flat on her back and began kicking her legs around as though she’d earned a couple free throws. ‘
‘They stood her up and cuffed her, and a burly SSUD (uniformed division) cop came over to me and said “How do you know she was damaging property?” To which I replied “I saw her pick up garbage cans and throw them at cars.”‘
‘”But did you physically witness any damage?” Note that he is acting as though I had filed a false report - quite rude.’
‘”No, I did not.”‘
‘”Then how do you know she caused damage?”‘
‘At this point I am annoyed with this high school bully turned cop.’
‘”Well I assume that a garbage can hurled at a car window both causes damage and is at least attempted destruction of property. Why are you talking to me like I did something wrong?”‘
‘”Please give me your ID”‘
‘(hands over ID. Note that my wallet folds open and in one window is my ID, in the other is my bar card.)’
‘Look of annoyance. “You can go now.”‘
‘They put the dumb bitch in the back of the car and drove away. I smiled for the only time that day.’
